Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I Trained a Bull in Puerto Rico to Kill a Man

I'm restless.

I don't know why.  But if I had to attribute it to something, here is a list.

I don't do much when I'm stuck at home in this basement.

There really are too many books and too little time.

All this looking at apartments makes me want to move NOW.

Norway is a long distance from here.

My dad and I are on different wave-lengths.

I can't talk to my dad about anything that isn't superficial.

I can't talk to my dad without feeling either a.) guilty b.)irresponsible c.) immature d.)misunderstood.

I can't measure up to my dad's expectations of me.

I am living in the same house and working at the same job I was before ever going to college.

Temptation has been really bringing me down lately.

I work all the time.

I drive everywhere.

I have too many friends here to move to Idaho.

I have too many friends there to not move to Idaho.

I feel tied down by the responsibility that comes with every paycheck.

I am going nowhere.

I am going everywhere.

I don't know where I'm going.

And yet, in the midst of this burden, I feel the presence of an almighty God working in my life.  This restlessness is most likely attributed to a battle between control and surrender, guilt and redemption, lust and love, and justice and grace.  

My prayer: Oh dear God, help me, I'm crying out to You. I can't do this on my own, and yet I keep trying.  Release me of self and fill me with Truth.  Trade this restlessness for peace.  Peace in a broken heart and soul, I beg of you.  Give me joy that cannot be contained.  Let me spill over into the lives of those around.  Let them see that my life is for a higher calling, to be a servant of the Most High.  Erase my thoughts contrary to Your spirit, do away with my selfish actions.  Let everything I do shine a light on You.  Please, Lord, let everything I bring to You be an offering of my soul, my love and thankfulness for the work You've done in my life.  See that what I bring to You is not worthy to be considered, but it is my hardest work, the best I can do, everything I have laid out before You unconditionally.  I want nothing more than to praise Your Majesty and dwell within the depths of Your love forever.  This is my prayer.  This is all of me.

4 comments:

charlesbryan said...

we should go get burgers soon.

jm said...

my prayers are with you brother. love you man, can't wait to see you...not this sunday, or the next, but the one after that. take it easy.

i am Ryan said...

hey man, I'm sorry you're feeling stuck. I've been in your places more than a couple times, so I know how tough it is.

If you need to get away and come visit some friends or something you always have a place to stay up here.

We need to catch up soon.

kylee said...

love you brother...isn't this time weird.