Thought #1 "The Introduction":
What do I truly hope for in life? For what reason do I do the things I do? For the future, or the present? I'm acting like I have a projected outcome, like I have goals, but I don't.
Thought #2 "The Explanation":
Last summer, I was living in my parents house. I worked at my dad's produce store, I was a part of an amazing church community, and I spent most of my time with some really great friends. For some reason, I wanted to move back to Nampa. Actually, four reasons.
1. I had a girlfriend at the time, and she lived in Idaho.
2. I was almost sure I would get a job I applied for in Idaho that would start at the end of summer.
3. I had lived in my parents house and worked for my dad before I went to college, and when I went back to the same house and job after four years, it almost negated my degree.
4. I had friends in Idaho that I wanted to spend another year with before they all went on with their lives.
I've lived in Idaho since the middle of August, and in one way or another, each of my four reasons has either fallen short or failed to materialize.
1. Things didn't work out. Actually, they ended mutually two weeks before I moved.
2. I didn't get the job. I moved anyway. The same job opened again in December. I also didn't get that job, making it three times I'd been turned down for the same job.
3. I realized that my desire to move wasn't so much linked to working for my dad, but living with my parents. If I moved back to Portland, I could still work at Spicer Brothers just as long as I lived elsewhere.
4. I've been able to spend time with the friends I moved here for, but they are going their own way now. Even new friends I've made since August are moving on in a couple months.
Thought #3 "The Empty Hopelessness":
(I wrote the first two thoughts an hour ago, and now I'm back to finish. I'm not in the same mood. I often write what's on mind, but the trouble with that is my mind is constantly wrong. I second-guess myself. Why would anyone want to hear me whine about why I don't like Idaho? Or, on that same note, why would anyone want to read my blog at all? Maybe people are searching for connection. Aren't we all? In an ideal world, I would love for you to find a connection with me, but any connection wouldn't reap many benefits. You won't be a better person by finding a connection with me; I'll bring you down. Not because I'm depressed, or I have low self-esteem. No, it's because I'm a dreamer, a hoper, a man of faith, a lover who is starting to realize that reality makes no room for people like me. That this world wants to accept the finer things of life, but doesn't give them any room to grow. Like a cup of tea steeped for two seconds, or a person wanting better education, not willing to pay taxes. I am stifled and misunderstood. As far as I'm concerned, this world has nothing for me, but that doesn't mean for me what I would like it to. At least not yet.)
Thought #4 "The Brutal Honesty":
I want to write, but I can't find the motivation.
I have thoughts in my mind that won't allow themselves to be formed to words.
I have love to give.
I know what it is to hurt and to have joy, but I haven't found the secret to staying away from one and keeping the other.
I can be confident, but it's a front.
I can be sensitive, but it's mostly fake.
I love to ask questions, but only so you can ask me when you're finished answering.
I get jealous.
I get lonely.
I love to laugh.
I connect with decade-old books more than people my own age lately.
I am so bored.
Thought #5 "The Happy, Although Still Unsure Ending":
I have hope for a better world, a fresh perspective, a fierce love. Is this too much to hope for?
People may tell me to hide these thoughts. That most things are better left unsaid. But if I have found something, should I keep it to myself?
If I have love, should I bury it deep inside?
If I know the truth, should I allow others to remain in darkness?
To quote Quiz Kind Donnie Smith from Magnolia:
"I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!"
4 comments:
nothing i could say here would really say what i want to say. I mostly want to acknowledge my having read this and excited/anxious to continue to journey together with you, chris. I love you.
Also, I haven't noticed your page's picture in a long time. I love it.
It's so interesting to hear you say these things from Ryan's and my perspective here in Kansas. You're thoughts are some of the very things we've wrestled with as we determine where it is we're supposed to be. Here or there. But we are there with you in the struggle for answers and I guess what I wanted to say is - take heart, you're not alone!
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14
you're right the second half shifted quite a bit. I liked reading both. Thanks for your honesty, Chris. I can't wait for the days when we will look back and remember vividly the weird struggle of this time. But I also can't wait for these days we are in. I bet we will miss them for reasons we can see and reasons we can't. And reasons like, we could go to jack in the bax at 1 last night and not even regret it. thanks for that.
hey speed, I'm reading tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom right now and came across the following shortly after I read your blog...
One afternoon, I am complaining about the confusion of my age, what is expected of me versus what I want for myself.
"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match," he laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the cinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins, Love always wins."
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