A friend and I were having a conversation recently. I mentioned the fact that she has a tendency to hold on to relationships longer than most people, or possibly just myself. In fact, she has already written a post about this same conversation. You could call this a call-and-response blog, similar to "Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Praise ye the Lord".
In my experience, relationships (at least 95% of them) don't last very long. Soon enough, you graduate from school, you change jobs, you move out of town, or you make a some other change in your life that causes you to leave one group of people and join another. I'm a huge proponent for change. I don't stand on streetcorners protesting stagnancy, but I know that it's safer to drink out of a river than it is to drink out of a pond. When we allow movement to take us, we find the opportunity to look outside of ourselves, to realize that there is more than just "us". Staying put causes people to decrease the size of their world, until it fits inside a small town, or a house, or cramped inside one person's mind.
I don't consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I'm usually optimistic in most situations. But this may be one of the areas where I appear to be drinking out of a glass that's half empty. Why would I give up on the relationships of my past, the very people that have shaped me directly or indirectly, to be who I am today?
I haven't given up. I've acknowledged and appreciated their impact, applied it to my life as best as I could, and moved on to acknowledge and appreciate other people. Just like they have moved on as well. If I were to spend all of my time with my high school friends, wouldn't I be cheating both parties out of other more significant relationships? Relationships that could help challenge and enrich our lives as they are now, in the present, as opposed to how they were when we were sixteen?
Anyways, I've had really mixed emotions while writing all of this, and I'm still trying to decide what to make of it all. These are the list of possible reasons why I could have come to this stance on relationships:
- I am bitter that I don't have a lifelong best friend.
- I've been rejected so many times I've been forced to learn how to move on in order to survive emotionally.
- I don't have enough energy or space in my life to have more than a few close friends.
- I'm a parasite that moves from person to person, sucking them dry to serve myself.
- I won't get close because I know that change is inevitable, and I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone.
- People haven't initiated contact with me, and I'm too proud to contact them first.
- Who I am now is not a significant improvement on who I was then.
- Once people get to know me, really get to know me, they will discover that I'm not at all interesting enough to have around, and I move on before they get a chance to dig that deep.
- I just get tired of people once I get to know them.
Life is ridiculous. I don't know whether to thank God or be angry with him for giving me emotions. Because of who I am - a selfish, confused, small, completely unimportant person - I have to go to a perfect God for guidance. That's either love, or false advertising. Did God make me imperfect knowing that my only choice would be to go back to my manufacturer and pay for repairs? Is this free will?
I've got questions! Am I supposed to go to God for the answers?
3 comments:
christ(opher),
Thanks for writing this man. i feel like i fall smack-dab-in-the-middle of your camp and (other)'s camp--but i didn't realize it until i'd read yours' with her's in mind.
I appreciate the rawness of this post though--the brutal honesty with yourself and then letting the internets have access to it. Your vulnerability is a really beautiful thing.
I also appreciate your's and my friendship--one that we don't require constant catch ups--but we know we could have them at any moment and it'd be like we'd never had a break in communication. I wish we were closer (geographically) much of the time, but since we're not, I'm thrilled that we're able to maintain this kind of friendship.
I don't really know what i'm wanting to say here except thanks for this and i'm glad to have you in my life.
ppeentz
wow Chris. how vulnerable is this? i am impressed with your willingness to share with us all...thanks, friend.
speedy! You have asked some good questions, but I don't think you have to go to God for those. Sure, it's great to pray about these kind of things, but I think friends and community are also good sources.
Love you
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