How I Feel Right Now

When I don't feel like opening the floodgates of my own heart and mind, it's nice that there are other people who can do the explaining for me.

This is how I feel right now. Like, literally.

"Yesterday" - Ace Troubleshooter

I remember a different time

I remember a different me

When there was springtime in my heart

But it's winter

And I'm shivering with cynicism now

And I long for yesterday

Yesterday, a day of joy

A day of limitless possibilities

I remember a different boy

With love surrounding, joy abounding

Peace resounding

Where, oh where did that boy go?

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

Take me back to a time of naivete

Never-ending days

And no need to question things

Because I'm tired of staring out my window

Wishing I was someone I should be

I guess I remember a different me

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

Art & Worship Before Work

I had the privilege of playing worship music with a couple other guys at college church this morning.  It was only for an hour because I have to go to work soon, but I'm glad I got to be there.

We played background music while students at a ministry conference took part in a group creative project.  Three paintings depicting different moments in Christ's life (the crucifixion, burial and resurrection) were at the front of the room, unpainted.  It was the student's job to each paint different parts of the canvases until all three were complete.

While watching the students and their youth pastors paint, I couldn't get the thought of someone making a mistake out of my head.  What if one person took liberties with a gross color all over the sky, or painted someone with purple skin?  I thought it would ruin the painting, or at least ruin the creative direction that someone may have had for the painting.

And then I realized that these "mistakes", or differences in direction, are what will make the painting beautiful when it is finished.  Each person played a different role in the process, and even though some people may disagree with others, it still works together for good.  How many times have I wanted to make things out of my control work out to meet my desired end result, and at the end, something far greater that I could have never imagined is accomplished?

I didn't actually get to see the finished product, but I am sure it will be beautiful, and completely different than I first pictured.

This Is Why I'm Hot

I saw this question posed on the internet recently.

You have a child that is born deaf.  When your child turns 16, they receive implants that allow them to hear.  What is the first song that you play for your child?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this question, and I still don't know if I have a clear answer.  Several of my favorite songs immediately came into my head, but I just don't think they would be appropriate for the first song ever heard by my child.  One song I considered was Straralfur by Sigur Ros.  It is a beautiful song, and it gives me the shivers every time I listen to it.  And yet, I believe my child would be confused by the language of the lead singer.  I also thought about some important classical music, but I wouldn't want this to be a history lesson.  I don't want to sit down with my child right away and say, "alright son/daughter, this is everything you missed out on while you were deaf."  It has to be more than that.

And so I searched for passion.  A song that makes you connect with the musicians and singer and understand their love/struggle/pain/growth.  Something that makes you hear the music, and realize it's completeness, and yet desire more when it's over.  And something that is just plain aesthetically pleasing to the ears.

Therefore, I've narrowed it down to four songs.  Don't make me choose between these four, please.

The Whaler by Thrice.

Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Blackbird by The Beatles.

And Amazing Grace sung by Aretha Franklin.

Hate me all you want, but I really feel like these songs would be amazing to hear before any others.

I also can just imagine sitting with my child listening to these songs together.  It would be like the scene from Once when father and son are listening to one of the son's songs for the first time.  When it's over, there's a moment of silence, and finally the father says, "It's brilliant. Now play it again."

This is why I love music.

This is why I want to learn how to play guitar.

This is why I want to be a father.

This is why I et cetera, et cetera.

Being Open-Minded

People drive by Spicer Brother's Produce with their music blaring, and we dance.  If it's hip-hop, we groove and throw out "uhs" and "yeahs".  If it's techno, we roxbury that ish.  If it's metal, we throw up our rock fists.  And mostly, we laugh.

However, I am sure that the drivers of said cars would be offended to know we poke fun at their loud music.  And thinking this, I turn to a co-worker and say, "People take their music too seriously."

But who am I?

The next day, same co-worker claims that Matchbox 20 might be the best example of a rock and roll band in the industry today.  Same co-worker claims that Jack Johnson might be the best musician overall in the industry today.  And I scoff.

I claim that I don't want to talk about music and movies with friends because we always boil blood.  We can't keep calm and we can't appreciate any opinions except our own.  But I always get caught up in it.

I sit on my high throne, king of all music.  I only listen to good music.  I don't listen to jack johnson anymore because he's cliche.  I won't argue with you.  Not because I respect your opinion, but because you're inferior opinion isn't worth my time.

How could I hate a person, a good friend, who listens to bad (opinion) music?  Would I really let music get in the way of a relationship?  I can't believe I ever let myself become this person.  I apologize.

From now on, you can listen to what you like, and I'm gonna love you for it.  If it makes you happy, then listen, listen!  And I will join you.

Three Top Tens

Top 10 Christian Recording Artist Rock Albums

10. Blindside - Silence

9. MxPx - Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo

8. Further Seems Forever - The Moon Is Down

7. Switchfoot - New Way To Be Human

6. Audio Adrenaline - Some Kind of Zombie

5. Plankeye - Commonwealth

4. Mae - Destination: Beautiful

3. The Juliana Theory - Emotion Is Dead

2. Jars of Clay - Much Afraid

1. DC Talk - Jesus Freak

Top 10 Local Portland Metropolitan Area Dining Spots

10. Hong Kong 97 (Gladstone)

9. La Provence (Lake Oswego)

8. DaVinci's Ristorante Italiano (Milwaukie)

7. Buster's BBQ (Gladstone)

6. Lil' Cooperstown (West Linn)

5. Hotcakes (Portland)

4. Pizza Schmizza (Portland)

3. Super Torta (Oregon City)

2. Laurelwood (Portland)

1. Montage (Portland)

Top 10 Books I've Read In The Last Year

10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling

9. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby

8. What Is The What - Dave Eggers

7. Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut

6. A Man Without A Country - Kurt Vonnegut

5. Rant - Chuck Palahniuk

4. You Shall Know Our Velocity - Dave Eggers

3. Sometimes A Great Notion - Ken Kesey

2. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

1. The Road - Cormac McCarthy

Strange People Listening to Strange Music

Every time I see a person walking somewhere with headphones on, I go crazy with curiosity.  I would love to know what everyone is listening to.  Sometimes people will walk up to Spicer Brothers with headphones.  They'll shop with their headphones in, and only take them out to talk to the person at the cash register.  As soon as they pay for their produce, the headphones go back on the ears.  It's amazing!  Could their music be that good?  I must know what they're listening to!

I've been working up the courage to ask one customer that is always wearing headphones what she listens to, but it hasn't happened yet.  For now, I just imagine that everyone is smiling and listening to this song.

A Little Mood Music

Is the mood I'm in affected by the music I listen to, or do I choose music based on the mood I'm in?  I think most people will sit down at their computer or car and pick songs that would best accompany how they are feeling at the moment.  If I want to relax and take it easy, I might choose Fruit Bats.  If I'm feeling energetic, I might choose Chromeo.  There's an argument for hearing a exciting song on the radio or in a store and being affected, but my money is on the mood changing the music choice.

And so much more than just mood changing choice; who I am changes the experience I have with the music.  200 people standing together at a small concert venue can hear the same song and simultaneously experience 200 different emotions.  It's not the music, it's the people.  An album isn't complete when it is finally produced, printed, wrapped, and placed on the shelve.  It's complete (and yet ever-growing/changing) when people listen to it and give themselves to it.  It's collaborative; we're all a part of it.

This is why I love creativity!  Music, films, paintings, novels; past all of the money, there's a reason these are all mass-distributed.  Songs must be heard, movies must be seen, paintings must be viewed, books must be read to exist, to serve their purpose.  And discussion fuels the fire.  It all boils down to the basic human desire to be involved, to be included, to contribute, to be recognized, to have value!

Popcorn Post

-I'm listening to "If Only" by Nouveaux, a contemporary Christian band from the 90s, and thinking to myself about how it's lyrics and four part harmony would be perfect for Covenant to play.  I decide to e-mail it to Marc.

-Katie Wilson calls me while I'm listening to "If Only" by Nouveaux and thinking about Marc and Covenant to see if I can play with her at the Flying M Thursday (which I don't think I can because of work) and she is with Marc.

-I woke up at 5am this morning to work on a homework assignment I'd been putting off.  I set the timer on my coffee maker to go off at five so that I would get up and not be wasteful.  I worked until 12:30pm.  I drank two large mugs of strong coffee, a glass of water, two glasses of cranberry juice, and ate two pieces of toast, a biscotti, and a pack of peanut butter crackers.

-I spent about 9 hours doing that assignment today.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't have graduated.  It was alright though.  I always work better when I wake up early and give the work a new day, rather than staying up late with all that happened during the day.

-I think this is how I'll write someday when it's all I do.  I'll wake up early, let nothing else worry me but the sun rising, the coffee brewing, the jazz jazzin' (I listened to jazz for 6 hours today), and the stories will write themselves.  I'm sure of it.

-I've been telling people lately that I don't let homework get me down.  I haven't been turning it in on a regular basis, but it's been hitting me hard.  When I have late assignments piling up, it drains me.  Every day that goes by takes a little something away from me.  When I do anything other than that assignment with my free time, I can't enjoy it as much as before.  When I sit down to read, I feel guilty.  Food doesn't taste as good.  This could be why I've had a rough semester; I haven't been able to enjoy the things I love.  Homework has been getting me down!

-I'm about halfway through Sometimes A Great Notion.  It's a good book, and I've been reading on a regular basis, almost daily, but it's long.  And not only that, it's more difficult to get through then maybe a... John Grisham book.

-Less than three weeks until graduation.  My family is coming up, it should be fun.  But the point is, that's soon.

-Assignments I have to do in the next three weeks:  write five short stories (good ones too, because I hold myself to unrealistic standards), write two more major papers, and give ten minute presentation.  No biggie.  Just as long as I don't wait and do it late.

-P.S. I made another casserole and it was delicious.  I'm the only one that's eaten any besides Phil, and he only ate it because he was hungry.  He doesn't even like the taste of it.

-Oh and also, here are a few more words for you: uncertainty, graduation, sleep, work, write, eat, laugh, plan, live, apply, deploy, imply, decoy, dirty dishes, messy room, loads of laundry, lava lamp, memories, bible, bird, coffee, music, summer, hockey, and finally, vanilla.

-What I'm lookin' like these days, considering the circumstances:

To Build A Home

Over the past week, the one thing I have thought about more than any other is home.

I have been listening to a song by The Cinematic Orchestra and Patrick Watson called "To Build a Home" at least three times a day for the last few days.  It is an amazing song.

Although a soft bed with fresh sheets can be comfortable, there are things in this world, instances and ideas that can provide just as much comfort as the feeling a clean bed can.  Certain songs give me this intangible comfort, and To Build A Home is one of those.  Even though it isn't real, and I can't hold it in my hands, I can let this song surround me.

One of my friends once said that whenever she heard a song called "Deliver Me", it made her feel safe.  I kind of mocked her for this, but it was before I had heard "To Build A Home" and felt safe myself.

I had the pleasure of introducing this song to several of my friends tonight.  We turned off the lights in my apartment, laid down on the couches, and just listened for six minutes.  The words about home filled the air, mixed together with the sweeping piano and beautiful string melodies.  And even though I will be at my house in four days, I was home tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately.