It Takes A Little Shake Up From The Rift

At the beginning of each blog, I assume that there is someone out there reading this. And not only that, but I take it to the next step and I believe that there is someone out there who understands and agrees with me as well. Maybe I'm wrong, but it helps get ideas out of my head, knowing that they may be appreciated. So thanks, I guess. 

I don't know what my issue is, but I just realized yesterday that I haven't been fair to my coworkers. Instead of thinking the best of these people to start off with, I wrote them all off to drama, kids, ex-husbands, smoking, jail, and stupidity. Sure, many of my coworker's lives have been affected by these and other life events. But just because my life has taken a different path, that doesn't necessarily make me any better than them. We've both ended up at the same place. This reminds me of a scene in "Revolutionary Road" where Kate is telling Leo that their life together in Suburbia has turned into every other life that they have so long despised and felt superior to. They were no better than these people. I've done the same thing.

Anyways, all of that was to say that I should give people a little more credit. One of my fellow servers told me yesterday that I don't talk about myself. She said, "I know where you went to college, and what you studied, and that's it." And I said that I didn't want to bore people with my drama, since there was already so much filling the restaurant. She told me that it's not drama, it's OK if people want to talk more than I do, which is hardly at all at work. To which I said, "I still haven't been able to bridge the gap between coworker and friend."

The second I said it, I wished I hadn't. The girl that I was talking to is actually one of my favorite people to work with, and I think I hurt her feelings. I don't know. If I was telling the truth, I should have said, "I still haven't found out how to treat my coworkers with the same respect that I treat my friends." That's my problem, or one of them at least, and I'm gonna work on it.

Doing What Comes Naturally

"Relating to people more honestly is certainly possible. Find someone you have withheld something from and tell it to him. See what happens. Next time you feel like touching someone, do it. Next time you are hurt or frightened, express it. When you catch yourself trying to protect an image, stop, and see if you can be real instead. If you're embarrassed to pay someone a compliment, do it anyway. If you want to know how people respond to you, ask them." - William Schutz

This quote has been in my favorite quotes section on my face book page for a while now. I first discovered it a year ago when I was taking Small Group Communication. I was in the Flying M reading for class one day when I came across the quote in my textbook. I thought it was great! How often to people hold back because they’re afraid of the consequences? In theory, this is a great quote. If a person were to heed Schutz’s advice, they could come out of a fear of social interaction and be able to better connect with people. Since I wrote this on my face book page though, I’ve had to think about whether or not I really want to keep it on there. I think this quote could cause someone to take an extreme approach to interaction, and seriously trespass on someone’s personal space.

I get caught up in thinking about this too much. But in all actuality, I tend to read this quote as a guide for overcoming my fear of that particular girl I may have a crush on. Why is it that when I start to like someone, I automatically question everything I do? The relationship may be fine for a while, but there'ss a moment in my mind when the “crush” switch gets flipped, and it’s always downhill from there. I proofread every text I send to her 5 times before sending it. I lay in bed thinking about what I could have said differently to her earlier that day, and what I can say to her the next time I see her. I lose sleep. I can’t read books as easily, because my mind is too occupied with thoughts about her. I get jealous of anyone else she may talk to, or spend time with. I get jealous of her family! The more examples I write, the more I realize that this is a serious problem.

Here’s my best diagnosis: I crave time with a girl that I like, because I feel that every moment spent together is another chance I have to convince her that I’m the kind of guy she could date. It’s pretty selfish. If I ever want to lead a normal life, with normal relationships, I need to chill out. The reason these relationships eventually die is because I focus so much on my own agenda, and completely ignore the other persons needs. I can’t imagine how unfulfilling it would actually be if I was ever in a relationship like that. Not only would the chase be over, but my agenda would be accomplished. I would have convinced the girl that I’m datable material, and then what? That relationship couldn’t survive.

I’ve been asking God to help increase three things in my life. Patience, respect, and selflessness. Otherwise, every relationship I pursue will never amount to anything important, and I will be lonely for a long time. I’m tired of thinking about whether or not I should speak or stay silent, reach out and touch or hold back. I’m tired of second-guessing every action. I’m sure I’m not the only person that’s tired of it either.

Brad Pitt Is a Celebrity Among Celebrities

And this is a blog completely unrelated to Brad Pitt.

A friend and I were having a conversation recently. I mentioned the fact that she has a tendency to hold on to relationships longer than most people, or possibly just myself. In fact, she has already written a post about this same conversation. You could call this a call-and-response blog, similar to "Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Praise ye the Lord".

In my experience, relationships (at least 95% of them) don't last very long.  Soon enough, you graduate from school, you change jobs, you move out of town, or you make a some other change in your life that causes you to leave one group of people and join another.  I'm a huge proponent for change.  I don't stand on streetcorners protesting stagnancy, but I know that it's safer to drink out of a river than it is to drink out of a pond.  When we allow movement to take us, we find the opportunity to look outside of ourselves, to realize that there is more than just "us".  Staying put causes people to decrease the size of their world, until it fits inside a small town, or a house, or cramped inside one person's mind.

I don't consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I'm usually optimistic in most situations. But this may be one of the areas where I appear to be drinking out of a glass that's half empty.  Why would I give up on the relationships of my past, the very people that have shaped me directly or indirectly, to be who I am today?

I haven't given up.  I've acknowledged and appreciated their impact, applied it to my life as best as I could, and moved on to acknowledge and appreciate other people.  Just like they have moved on as well.  If I were to spend all of my time with my high school friends, wouldn't I be cheating both parties out of other more significant relationships?  Relationships that could help challenge and enrich our lives as they are now, in the present, as opposed to how they were when we were sixteen?

Anyways, I've had really mixed emotions while writing all of this, and I'm still trying to decide what to make of it all.  These are the list of possible reasons why I could have come to this stance on relationships:

• I am bitter that I don't have a lifelong best friend.
  
• I've been rejected so many times I've been forced to learn how to move on in order to survive emotionally.
  
• I don't have enough energy or space in my life to have more than a few close friends.
  
• I'm a parasite that moves from person to person, sucking them dry to serve myself.
  
• I won't get close because I know that change is inevitable, and I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone.
  
• People haven't initiated contact with me, and I'm too proud to contact them first.
  
• Who I am now is not a significant improvement on who I was then.
  
• Once people get to know me, really get to know me, they will discover that I'm not at all interesting enough to have around, and I move on before they get a chance to dig that deep.
  
• I just get tired of people once I get to know them.
  

Life is ridiculous.  I don't know whether to thank God or be angry with him for giving me emotions. Because of who I am - a selfish, confused, small, completely unimportant person - I have to go to a perfect God for guidance.  That's either love, or false advertising.  Did God make me imperfect knowing that my only choice would be to go back to my manufacturer and pay for repairs?  Is this free will?

I've got questions!  Am I supposed to go to God for the answers?

Saying Goodbye To Friends

No, I'm not leaving Oregon yet.  Not until next week.  But I did have to say goodbye to some very dear friends tonight.

Twitch, Katee, Courtney and Joshua, you will be missed.

In case you don't already know, these were the final four dancers for the show So You Think You Can Dance.  The finale was earlier tonight and Joshua took home the title, which was well deserved.

The first episode of this show came on around the time I came home to Oregon City from Idaho.  I knew that this was my last summer at home, even though I didn't know what I would be doing when it ended.  I had no idea what to expect from the few months after college.  I thought I would hate these last three months.  I didn't want to be living in the same house and working at the same job I was before I ever went to college.  There were many times when I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything.  But this summer was different, better than that.

So the summer started off with this show, So You Think You Can Dance.  I wasn't sold on it from the beginning.  No matter what though, I would sit down with my mom every Wednesday night for another episode.  And eventually I was hooked.  Some of the dancing was amazing, but I loved the show for the personalities of the dancers.  One of the dancers, Twitch, was fun to watch perform, but off the stage he was always smiling and encouraging people.  He was the first person to support someone who moved on to the next level or got eliminated.  Everytime. He was there with a hug and a smile.

And in a way, like I so often do, I connected with the people on the show.  They became my friends.  I do this with books all the time.  For the last month of school this year I was slowly making my way through Sometimes A Great Notion, a novel by Ken Kesey.  I finally finished it almost two months after I started.  Now, when I think back to graduation, the moments leading up to it and the weeks after, I think of Hank, Leland, and Joe Ben cutting logs on a hill near the Oregon Coast.  I feel like I was there!  When I had read the last sentence of the book, it took me nearly ten minutes to close the book and put it down.  I didn't want to leave behind the friends that had carried me through Graduation.

And here I find myself, saying goodbye to another group of friends.  I meet them, I grow close to them, and we leave each other.  The friendships I make in books, on TV, in movies, they hardly mean anything to me.  It's when I have to say goodbye to the real friends that I struggle.  And the worst part is, I'm used to it.  Summer after summer, I left Nampa.  I said goodbye and went home.  Never before has it been difficult leaving Oregon to go back to Idaho though.

This summer was better than I could have ever expected it to be.  This was the beginning of life after college!  And I'm leaving it for another beginning.  You don't have to tell me, I already understand that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.  I just hate all of this goodbye stuff.

And so, in the spirit of life, friendship, and beginnings

I will never read the last sentence,

I will never watch a finale,

I will fall asleep in the last ten minutes,

I will do what I can to make sure that you and I don't have to begin again

Because I never want these friendships to end.

Some Movie Information

Kylee made me do it.

1. One movie that made you laugh

O Brother Where Art Thou

2. One movie that made you cry

The Pianist

3. One movie you loved when you were a child

Star Wars

4. One movie you’ve seen more than once

The Wedding Singer

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it

My Best Friend's Wedding

6. One movie you hated

Crash

7. One movie that scared you

Donnie Darko

8. One movie that bored you

Marie Antoinette

9. One movie that made you happy

Stranger Than Fiction

10. One movie that made you miserable

Requiem For A Dream

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see

Saw 4

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with

Minnie Driver in Goodwill Hunting

13. The last movie you saw

The Happening

14. The next movie you hope to see

Wall*E

15. Your favorite movie

Almost Famous

Home in Oregon

After spending a week in Nampa after graduation I am now back home in Oregon.  The reason I stayed in the was for a job interview, but I'm glad I stayed for other reasons.  I got to spend a lot of time with some awesome people; Katie, Kylee, Jenna, Mike, Ryan, and Kenton.  And I was able to relax and enjoy life in Nampa without all the usual added stress.

I can't think of a better way I could have ended the week either.  Thursday night Katie and I went on a date.  We went to dinner, coffee, and a movie (classic date style).  I had a great time, and it really was the perfect last night in town.  The next day before I left I had lunch with Katie and then stopped by the Brass Razoo to say goodbye to Kylee.  It really is goodbye for a long time too, since she's moving to Kansas.  I'm going to miss her when she's all the way over in the midwest.

The best thing happened right before I left town.  I got a drink at the flying m before heading out of town, and the lady right behind me stepped up to the counter and said, "Are you ready for me?" to the barista.  They said yes, and then she said the best possible thing she could have said: Six-Shot Mondo Mars Bar.  It was like the end of a book or movie, where a ridiculous moment from the past is linked back to the end of the book, and the last sentence or line hits you when you're least expecting it.  But it's the perfect ending.  I would explain further, but my cousin and I are leaving right now to go to a movie.

Next post: How Oregon is different than Idaho.

So Much Drama

I am backstage right now, somewhere in the middle of act two scene three, and everyone is eating trail mix. I had a couple fish tacos with my parents before the show, and Reed and I are planning on getting some pita pit inside our bellies after the show, so I am staying away from the trail mix.

I'm glad that my parents came up today to see the play. I guess it just shows that they love me if they're willing to drive a total of fourteen hours in two days to see me act in a jane Austen play. What great parents I have. Or, "great parents, you have," in Yoda speak.

Act three is coming up. Better go.

I'm Kind Of Busy

Ever since I've come back from Spring Break, I've been busy.

I knew that this week was going to be hectic because of the play, but I didn't realize how tired I would be.  Having Wade here was great too.  I wish I could have hung out with him more than I did, but the play wouldn't let me.

Here's a list of fun things that Wade and I were able to do while he was here though; play basketball at the Rec center, watch a movie with friends, go out to dinner, eat breakfast at the Honker with Kenton, and talk.  It was all great, and it reminded of me of the time when he was here all the time.  If I move to Portland, that may be one of the main reasons...

Tonight was opening night of Pride & Prejudice, and I play the part of Mr. Bennett, the cynical, and yet loving, father of three girls.  I can see a little of myself in  Mr. Bennett, except for whole wife and children thing.  Anyways, tonight went well, and I was proud.  My parents will be there tomorrow, and you should too.  I might try to post a new blog from backstage during act two, who knows.