How I Feel Right Now

When I don't feel like opening the floodgates of my own heart and mind, it's nice that there are other people who can do the explaining for me.

This is how I feel right now. Like, literally.

"Yesterday" - Ace Troubleshooter

I remember a different time

I remember a different me

When there was springtime in my heart

But it's winter

And I'm shivering with cynicism now

And I long for yesterday

Yesterday, a day of joy

A day of limitless possibilities

I remember a different boy

With love surrounding, joy abounding

Peace resounding

Where, oh where did that boy go?

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

Take me back to a time of naivete

Never-ending days

And no need to question things

Because I'm tired of staring out my window

Wishing I was someone I should be

I guess I remember a different me

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

Brad Pitt Is a Celebrity Among Celebrities

And this is a blog completely unrelated to Brad Pitt.

A friend and I were having a conversation recently. I mentioned the fact that she has a tendency to hold on to relationships longer than most people, or possibly just myself. In fact, she has already written a post about this same conversation. You could call this a call-and-response blog, similar to "Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Praise ye the Lord".

In my experience, relationships (at least 95% of them) don't last very long.  Soon enough, you graduate from school, you change jobs, you move out of town, or you make a some other change in your life that causes you to leave one group of people and join another.  I'm a huge proponent for change.  I don't stand on streetcorners protesting stagnancy, but I know that it's safer to drink out of a river than it is to drink out of a pond.  When we allow movement to take us, we find the opportunity to look outside of ourselves, to realize that there is more than just "us".  Staying put causes people to decrease the size of their world, until it fits inside a small town, or a house, or cramped inside one person's mind.

I don't consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I'm usually optimistic in most situations. But this may be one of the areas where I appear to be drinking out of a glass that's half empty.  Why would I give up on the relationships of my past, the very people that have shaped me directly or indirectly, to be who I am today?

I haven't given up.  I've acknowledged and appreciated their impact, applied it to my life as best as I could, and moved on to acknowledge and appreciate other people.  Just like they have moved on as well.  If I were to spend all of my time with my high school friends, wouldn't I be cheating both parties out of other more significant relationships?  Relationships that could help challenge and enrich our lives as they are now, in the present, as opposed to how they were when we were sixteen?

Anyways, I've had really mixed emotions while writing all of this, and I'm still trying to decide what to make of it all.  These are the list of possible reasons why I could have come to this stance on relationships:

• I am bitter that I don't have a lifelong best friend.
  
• I've been rejected so many times I've been forced to learn how to move on in order to survive emotionally.
  
• I don't have enough energy or space in my life to have more than a few close friends.
  
• I'm a parasite that moves from person to person, sucking them dry to serve myself.
  
• I won't get close because I know that change is inevitable, and I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone.
  
• People haven't initiated contact with me, and I'm too proud to contact them first.
  
• Who I am now is not a significant improvement on who I was then.
  
• Once people get to know me, really get to know me, they will discover that I'm not at all interesting enough to have around, and I move on before they get a chance to dig that deep.
  
• I just get tired of people once I get to know them.
  

Life is ridiculous.  I don't know whether to thank God or be angry with him for giving me emotions. Because of who I am - a selfish, confused, small, completely unimportant person - I have to go to a perfect God for guidance.  That's either love, or false advertising.  Did God make me imperfect knowing that my only choice would be to go back to my manufacturer and pay for repairs?  Is this free will?

I've got questions!  Am I supposed to go to God for the answers?

Art & Worship Before Work

I had the privilege of playing worship music with a couple other guys at college church this morning.  It was only for an hour because I have to go to work soon, but I'm glad I got to be there.

We played background music while students at a ministry conference took part in a group creative project.  Three paintings depicting different moments in Christ's life (the crucifixion, burial and resurrection) were at the front of the room, unpainted.  It was the student's job to each paint different parts of the canvases until all three were complete.

While watching the students and their youth pastors paint, I couldn't get the thought of someone making a mistake out of my head.  What if one person took liberties with a gross color all over the sky, or painted someone with purple skin?  I thought it would ruin the painting, or at least ruin the creative direction that someone may have had for the painting.

And then I realized that these "mistakes", or differences in direction, are what will make the painting beautiful when it is finished.  Each person played a different role in the process, and even though some people may disagree with others, it still works together for good.  How many times have I wanted to make things out of my control work out to meet my desired end result, and at the end, something far greater that I could have never imagined is accomplished?

I didn't actually get to see the finished product, but I am sure it will be beautiful, and completely different than I first pictured.

I Trained a Bull in Puerto Rico to Kill a Man

I'm restless.

I don't know why.  But if I had to attribute it to something, here is a list.

I don't do much when I'm stuck at home in this basement.

There really are too many books and too little time.

All this looking at apartments makes me want to move NOW.

Norway is a long distance from here.

My dad and I are on different wave-lengths.

I can't talk to my dad about anything that isn't superficial.

I can't talk to my dad without feeling either a.) guilty b.)irresponsible c.) immature d.)misunderstood.

I can't measure up to my dad's expectations of me.

I am living in the same house and working at the same job I was before ever going to college.

Temptation has been really bringing me down lately.

I work all the time.

I drive everywhere.

I have too many friends here to move to Idaho.

I have too many friends there to not move to Idaho.

I feel tied down by the responsibility that comes with every paycheck.

I am going nowhere.

I am going everywhere.

I don't know where I'm going.

And yet, in the midst of this burden, I feel the presence of an almighty God working in my life.  This restlessness is most likely attributed to a battle between control and surrender, guilt and redemption, lust and love, and justice and grace.  

My prayer: Oh dear God, help me, I'm crying out to You. I can't do this on my own, and yet I keep trying.  Release me of self and fill me with Truth.  Trade this restlessness for peace.  Peace in a broken heart and soul, I beg of you.  Give me joy that cannot be contained.  Let me spill over into the lives of those around.  Let them see that my life is for a higher calling, to be a servant of the Most High.  Erase my thoughts contrary to Your spirit, do away with my selfish actions.  Let everything I do shine a light on You.  Please, Lord, let everything I bring to You be an offering of my soul, my love and thankfulness for the work You've done in my life.  See that what I bring to You is not worthy to be considered, but it is my hardest work, the best I can do, everything I have laid out before You unconditionally.  I want nothing more than to praise Your Majesty and dwell within the depths of Your love forever.  This is my prayer.  This is all of me.