life and the rest

What I Want You To Understand

2009-04-01T23:17:00.000-07:00

Children born in love. Parents caring for their children. Men hold doors for their wives. People offer spots in line. Teachers reach out to students. Parents discipline in love. Brothers stand up for brothers. Sisters share with sisters. Groceries are bagged carefully. The dishes are done. A debt is forgotten. A mother makes lunch the night before. A father picks the kids up. The kids don't keep score. Music is made and played. Grace is given. The truth is told. Forgiveness is given. A fallen snocone is replaced. A kid's shoe is tied again. The blanket is shared. The heat is turned on in the winter. Windows are rolled down in the summer. A friend is asleep on your couch. The coffee is already made. A shift is picked up. A round is bought. A smile is given. Fear is replaced with warmth. Welcome mats in front of doors. Handwritten letters. A heartfelt apology is made. The wisdom of a grandfather. A living future. A surprise party is thrown. Sentimental gifts are given. Spring rains fall. A boy on his bike. A ride home. A teacher is lenient. Delivered meals in a time of need. The comfort of trust. A close hug. The passage of time. The bills are paid. The lawn is mowed. A note on the fridge. The grasp of two hands. Laughing together. Gathering at holidays. Plane tickets are bought. Questions are asked. Ears are open. Staying up late. Waiting for a call. Grabbing two straws. A ticket is paid for. Grievances are forgotten. Simple words are spoken. A clean house. A drive through the country. The softness of skin. Perfume is worn. Staying past visiting hours. Walking in the dark. Offering a seat. Returning what's been lost. Beautiful pictures. Finding the dance floor. Emotional release. Knowing glances. Favors are returned. The right words are said. Intentions are pure. Reaching out. Purses are held. A reservation is made. Shame is erased. A phone call to Mother. Answers are found together. Counting the stars. Making grass whistles. Get well soon. Thinking of you. You're in my heart. I hope this letter finds you well. Sincerely yours. Best wishes. With love from me to you.

How I Feel Right Now

2009-03-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

When I don't feel like opening the floodgates of my own heart and mind, it's nice that there are other people who can do the explaining for me.

This is how I feel right now. Like, literally.

"Yesterday" - Ace Troubleshooter

I remember a different time

I remember a different me

When there was springtime in my heart

But it's winter

And I'm shivering with cynicism now

And I long for yesterday

Yesterday, a day of joy

A day of limitless possibilities

I remember a different boy

With love surrounding, joy abounding

Peace resounding

Where, oh where did that boy go?

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

Take me back to a time of naivete

Never-ending days

And no need to question things

Because I'm tired of staring out my window

Wishing I was someone I should be

I guess I remember a different me

What's wrong with me now, God?

My world is gray

So please help me out, I pray

Because I want to live in yesterday

It Takes A Little Shake Up From The Rift

2009-03-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of each blog, I assume that there is someone out there reading this. And not only that, but I take it to the next step and I believe that there is someone out there who understands and agrees with me as well. Maybe I'm wrong, but it helps get ideas out of my head, knowing that they may be appreciated. So thanks, I guess.

I don't know what my issue is, but I just realized yesterday that I haven't been fair to my coworkers. Instead of thinking the best of these people to start off with, I wrote them all off to drama, kids, ex-husbands, smoking, jail, and stupidity. Sure, many of my coworker's lives have been affected by these and other life events. But just because my life has taken a different path, that doesn't necessarily make me any better than them. We've both ended up at the same place. This reminds me of a scene in "Revolutionary Road" where Kate is telling Leo that their life together in Suburbia has turned into every other life that they have so long despised and felt superior to. They were no better than these people. I've done the same thing.

Anyways, all of that was to say that I should give people a little more credit. One of my fellow servers told me yesterday that I don't talk about myself. She said, "I know where you went to college, and what you studied, and that's it." And I said that I didn't want to bore people with my drama, since there was already so much filling the restaurant. She told me that it's not drama, it's OK if people want to talk more than I do, which is hardly at all at work. To which I said, "I still haven't been able to bridge the gap between coworker and friend."

The second I said it, I wished I hadn't. The girl that I was talking to is actually one of my favorite people to work with, and I think I hurt her feelings. I don't know. If I was telling the truth, I should have said, "I still haven't found out how to treat my coworkers with the same respect that I treat my friends." That's my problem, or one of them at least, and I'm gonna work on it.

A Play In Five Acts

2009-02-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

Thought #1 "The Introduction":

What do I truly hope for in life? For what reason do I do the things I do? For the future, or the present? I'm acting like I have a projected outcome, like I have goals, but I don't.

Thought #2 "The Explanation":

Last summer, I was living in my parents house. I worked at my dad's produce store, I was a part of an amazing church community, and I spent most of my time with some really great friends. For some reason, I wanted to move back to Nampa. Actually, four reasons.

1. I had a girlfriend at the time, and she lived in Idaho.

2. I was almost sure I would get a job I applied for in Idaho that would start at the end of summer.

3. I had lived in my parents house and worked for my dad before I went to college, and when I went back to the same house and job after four years, it almost negated my degree.

4. I had friends in Idaho that I wanted to spend another year with before they all went on with their lives.

I've lived in Idaho since the middle of August, and in one way or another, each of my four reasons has either fallen short or failed to materialize.

1. Things didn't work out. Actually, they ended mutually two weeks before I moved.

2. I didn't get the job. I moved anyway. The same job opened again in December. I also didn't get that job, making it three times I'd been turned down for the same job.

3. I realized that my desire to move wasn't so much linked to working for my dad, but living with my parents. If I moved back to Portland, I could still work at Spicer Brothers just as long as I lived elsewhere.

4. I've been able to spend time with the friends I moved here for, but they are going their own way now. Even new friends I've made since August are moving on in a couple months.

Thought #3 "The Empty Hopelessness":

(I wrote the first two thoughts an hour ago, and now I'm back to finish. I'm not in the same mood. I often write what's on mind, but the trouble with that is my mind is constantly wrong. I second-guess myself. Why would anyone want to hear me whine about why I don't like Idaho? Or, on that same note, why would anyone want to read my blog at all? Maybe people are searching for connection. Aren't we all? In an ideal world, I would love for you to find a connection with me, but any connection wouldn't reap many benefits. You won't be a better person by finding a connection with me; I'll bring you down. Not because I'm depressed, or I have low self-esteem. No, it's because I'm a dreamer, a hoper, a man of faith, a lover who is starting to realize that reality makes no room for people like me. That this world wants to accept the finer things of life, but doesn't give them any room to grow. Like a cup of tea steeped for two seconds, or a person wanting better education, not willing to pay taxes. I am stifled and misunderstood. As far as I'm concerned, this world has nothing for me, but that doesn't mean for me what I would like it to. At least not yet.)

Thought #4 "The Brutal Honesty":

I want to write, but I can't find the motivation.

I have thoughts in my mind that won't allow themselves to be formed to words.

I have love to give.

I know what it is to hurt and to have joy, but I haven't found the secret to staying away from one and keeping the other.

I can be confident, but it's a front.

I can be sensitive, but it's mostly fake.

I love to ask questions, but only so you can ask me when you're finished answering.

I get jealous.

I get lonely.

I love to laugh.

I connect with decade-old books more than people my own age lately.

I am so bored.

Thought #5 "The Happy, Although Still Unsure Ending":

I have hope for a better world, a fresh perspective, a fierce love. Is this too much to hope for?

People may tell me to hide these thoughts. That most things are better left unsaid. But if I have found something, should I keep it to myself?

If I have love, should I bury it deep inside?

If I know the truth, should I allow others to remain in darkness?

To quote Quiz Kind Donnie Smith from Magnolia:

"I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!"

Two Year Old Thoughts

2009-02-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

Not thoughts from a two year old, but a few selected thoughts and poems that I wrote in my Creative Writing journal two years ago.

Summer Pools

Life is balanced
when
Chubby swim trunk
boys
Polka dot bikini
girls
Jump in summer
pools

Poetry deals with precise objects, and concrete images, not abstract.

And out of all the books in the library, I was content with the library girl.

I don’t leave any room for truth to conform to music - to lose control of the pen and see where it takes me.

Do uncreative people dream about mediocre and boring things?

The Ripeness of My Youth
In the ripeness of my youth
I discovered time travel
But there were kinks in the gears
The hourglass grew as time took its time

I began to taste the moon
Then my travels grew tiresome
But now I am once again immersed
In the ripeness of my youth

When I write, do I write about important things? Do I write about things that are worthwhile, time-withstanding, ever-lasting, and overall good? If I was to write about the deep heaviness of life with every pen stroke, I would more than likely lose sight of the simple things. The unimportant and yet extremely vital aspects of human living.

Spring Break
Hey! Let’s celebrate spring break
And BAKE in the sun
And run
You make me forget what I planned to do
You make me brand new
When you laugh and break the window framing us as a motionless scene, serene,
But no! we’re distinct, we’re unclean,
We don’t let them tell us what to be,
Right?
And then at night
We sit by the fire bright
as if we couldn’t get enough of this thick heat,
I must repeat myself when I say I could let you make me happy forever
But spring break is now, and I shouldn’t bother with the future, but
Whether weather permits
For that dress that fits you so well.
I can tell that we won’t ever need to make plans to forget again.

Why must everyone be put into a little box?
The way life should really be lived is to be the space that isn’t the box. To be everything but the box.
I don’t want to order off the menu anymore. I don’t want to take their ingredients and make my own food. I want a new restaurant, a new menu. A city park, a zoo, something completely different. I can’t be spoon fed anymore. I don’t want to use their spoon to feed myself. Who says I have to use utensils, who is trying to fit me into their utensil mold?
I want a generation of people using new utensils, making utensils, using their hands, creating something better than utensils, introducing something so amazing to the world that no one will care about who said what about anything anymore, especially utensils.
Don’t just take what they have.
Don’t just take what they have and make it new.
Take what they don’t have and make it yours.

Twenty Seven Is A Good Number, Right?

2009-01-29T00:09:00.000-08:00

I love Japanese cinema. I haven't seen nearly as much as I would like, but Akira Kurosawa is one of my top five all time favorite directors.
When I go on long drives, I listen to podcasts. Usually Garrison Keilor giving the news from Lake Wobegone, or more recently, You Look Nice Today.
The main reason I like Huey Lewis and the News, John Cougar Mellencamp, Chicago, and The Doobie Brothers today is because that's what my dad always had playing in the car when I was younger.
People talk to me about my height at least once a day.
I was suspended twice. Once in third grade for lighting fireworks on the playground with my friend Billy. I told the truth and didn't get in trouble. The second time was Sophomore year of high school. I threw a drumstick at another student during percussion ensemble class. My teacher called it hazing. The same day, I was elected Student Body Secretary/Treasurer. I was also supposed to play the drums in the dress rehearsal for the school musical "Blood Brothers" that night, but wasn't allowed. I wasn't the first person to miss a performance though. The lead actress in the same musical was suspended the day before when she was caught "with" a boy in the choir room loft. An alumni drama student learned the lines in one day and took her part.
The only bone I've broken in my body is my left ring finger, which I broke playing basketball. I have dislocated my right shoulder three times though. The first time cliff jumping in Estacada, the second snowboarding on Mt. Hood, and the third throwing a dodgeball while at a summer camp in Montana.
I've only attended 4 schools my entire life. King elementary school, Gardiner Middle School, and Oregon City High School, all in Oregon City, and NNU.
The first movie I saw in the theater was The Passion of the Christ. I was 18.
The earliest memory I can recall took place when I was 2 years and 3 months old. I was sitting in the parking lot of Spicer Brothers Produce right before it opened on April 20, 1988, watching my aunt cindy paint the side of the building.
When I was young, my favorite song was Waterfalls by TLC. When I was even younger, I loved Walking In Memphis by Bruce Springsteen. When it came on the radio in the house, I would run over and sit on the floor 2 feet away, listening to the whole song. Once I hadn’t finished changing my pants when my brother yelled across the house to tell me that the song was on the radio again. With my pants half on, I ran, tripped over my pants and fell down on the ground in front of the radio, where I stayed until the song had finished.
I flew to Oakland by myself when people were still allowed to greet you at the gate. My grandparents were waiting there. My grandpa took me to a Golden State Warriors game, just like I asked him to in a letter I wrote him a week earlier. My grandma took me to her sisters house, and I held my breath through a tunnel that was a mile long. Later, we saw the sea lions at Pier 39. It's one of my favorite memories of my grandfather, who died 6 and a half years ago.
My grandma helped my hunger for books. She's to blame for getting me started on Harry Potter.
Once, my dad took me to breakfast at a local diner at 6 in the morning before elementary school. That was the first time I had a pancake that was the size of a plate.
The first true guilt I felt was when I lied to my mom when I was in the third grade. I had rode my bike to the large forested ditch that was behind my neighbor’s house. They were making flamethrowers with aerosol cans and lighters. They wanted me to come down to the bottom, but I knew what they were doing was dangerous, and the hill was steep. I went part of the way and I decided to leave, but I fell in the mud climbing back up the steep hill. I got on my back and rode home as fast as I could. When I got home, my mom came to the door and saw me covered in dirt. I started to cry and told her that I had fallen off of my bike. I have never told her the truth.
Many people may not like to be called while they are sleeping. I actually have my phone just a foot from my head at night in hopes that someone might call to see what I'm doing. This has nothing to do with desperation to hang out with people, I just know that if I get a phone call at three in the morning, it's not going to be boring. And I will gladly get up and go to Sharis for a cup of coffee.
Some of my life goals are: To play a concert at Madison Square Garden, to kiss a girl on the eiffel tower, to see an NHL game in every home arena, to have coffee with a famous author, to be in a band/go into business with my brother, to create a masterpiece, to visit my second cousin in New Zealand, to go on a backpacking trip with my brother, dad, and grandpa, to take my grandson on a backpacking trip when I'm a grandfather, to buy a nice suit, like a nice suit, and to own an NBA team, or at least be a season ticket holder to the Blazers.
My favorite writing utensil is the Uni Ball Jetstream.
I think the worst food I have ever eaten was when I had duck pate in Montpellier, France.
It blows my mind that other people have rational thought. Since I only know my own thoughts, it's entirely too difficult for me to grasp the idea that everyone else is confusing themselves just as much as I am.
I laugh out loud and sometimes cry when I'm reading. I cried in Sometimes a Great Notion, because that book is abso-infix-lutely brilliant.
I went to Sundance twice with other film students when I was in college, and I could have cared less about the movies. I just wanted to see celebrities.
My dad used to give my brother and I haircuts until I cried when I looked in the mirror. He never did it again after that.
I like coffee. Starbucks is my favorite. My drink of choice in the summer is a tall espresso frappucino with a shot poured on top and extra caramel sauce. My drink in the winter is a Double tall 1/2 flavor cinnamon white mocha. I think this makes me a snob.
My parents always had date night on Fridays. And every Friday, my brother and I would watch a rented movie and eat either boboli pizza or macaroni and cheese. The movie I remember the most was Carpool with Tom Arnold.
I often misrepresent myself, and I'm sure other people do as well. That's why I try to approach new relationships expecting the best instead of the worst.
I am addicted to online shopping. At any given time, I am more than likely wearing something I purchased online.
I listened to Christian music solely until I went to a Christian college. Now I hardly listen to Christian music.

100 Favorite Movies

2009-01-20T16:52:00.000-08:00

The Lives of Others (2007)
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
No Country for Old Men (2007)
Almost Famous (2000)
Annie Hall (1977)
Once (2006)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Magnolia (1999)
The Godfather (1972)
WALL-E (2008)
Goodfellas (1990)
The Departed (2006)
Chinatown (1974)
Seven Samurai (1954)
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Milk (2008)
Ordinary People (1980)
There Will Be Blood (2007)
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Stranger than Fiction (2006)
Network (1976)
Big Fish (2003)
Ran (1985)
Unbreakable (2000)
Big (1988)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Do the Right Thing (1989)
Adaptation (2002)
Forrest Gump (1994)
Chariots of Fire (1981)
The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
The Godfather: Part II (1974)
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)
Be Kind Rewind (2008)
Frost/Nixon (2008)
The Pianist (2002)
Synecdoche, New York (2008)
The Wrestler (2008)
Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)
Michael Clayton (2007)
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
Being John Malkovich (1999)
Man on Wire (2008)
The Shawshank Redemption(1994)
The Village (2004)
When We Were Kings (1996)
The Fountain (2006)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Rushmore (1998)
Toy Story (1995)
Road to Perdition (2002)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
Back to the Future (1985)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
American History X (1998)
The Truman Show (1998)
Signs (2002)
The Assassination of Jesse James (2007)
The Dark Knight (2008)
The Sandlot (1993)
Fargo (1996)
Jerry Maguire (1996)
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Oceans Eleven (2001)
The Matrix (1999)
The Deer Hunter (1978)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
Murderball (2005)
The Blues Brothers (1980)
Ratatouille (2007)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
Bottle Rocket (1996)
Dances With Wolves (1990)
Rashomon (1950)
Field of Dreams (1989)
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Jurassic Park (1993)
Chop Shop (2007)
Fight Club (1999)
Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008)
Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Manhattan (1979)
Seven (1995)
Donnie Darko (2001)
Election (1999)
Black Narcissus (1947)
The Professional (1994)
The Prestige (2006)
Clear and Present Danger (1994)
Cool Hand Luke (1967)
The Shining (1980)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Minority Report (2002)
Memento (2000)
Lost in Translation (2003)
The Usual Suspects (1995)

Oldest Movie

Black Narcissus (1947)

Avg. Release Year

1994

Movies by Decade

2000s 44

1990s 27

1980s 14

1970s 9

1960s 2

1950s 3

1940s 1

Most Releases by Year

11 2008

8 2007

6 2006, 1999

5 2002

4 2004, 2000, 1998, 1996, 1994, 1989, 1980

Releases by Director

5 Wes Anderson

4 M. Night Shyamalan, Steven Spielberg

3 Woody Allen, Joel Coen, David Fincher,

Akira Kurosawa, George Lucas,

Christopher Nolan

2 P.T. Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, Tim

Burton, Francis Ford Coppola, Cameron

Crowe, Michel Gondry, Spike Jonze,

Stanley Kubrick, Roman Polanski, Martin

Scorsese, Gus Van Sant, Robert Zemeckis

Doing What Comes Naturally

2009-01-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

"Relating to people more honestly is certainly possible. Find someone you have withheld something from and tell it to him. See what happens. Next time you feel like touching someone, do it. Next time you are hurt or frightened, express it. When you catch yourself trying to protect an image, stop, and see if you can be real instead. If you're embarrassed to pay someone a compliment, do it anyway. If you want to know how people respond to you, ask them." - William Schutz

This quote has been in my favorite quotes section on my face book page for a while now. I first discovered it a year ago when I was taking Small Group Communication. I was in the Flying M reading for class one day when I came across the quote in my textbook. I thought it was great! How often to people hold back because they’re afraid of the consequences? In theory, this is a great quote. If a person were to heed Schutz’s advice, they could come out of a fear of social interaction and be able to better connect with people. Since I wrote this on my face book page though, I’ve had to think about whether or not I really want to keep it on there. I think this quote could cause someone to take an extreme approach to interaction, and seriously trespass on someone’s personal space.

I get caught up in thinking about this too much. But in all actuality, I tend to read this quote as a guide for overcoming my fear of that particular girl I may have a crush on. Why is it that when I start to like someone, I automatically question everything I do? The relationship may be fine for a while, but there'ss a moment in my mind when the “crush” switch gets flipped, and it’s always downhill from there. I proofread every text I send to her 5 times before sending it. I lay in bed thinking about what I could have said differently to her earlier that day, and what I can say to her the next time I see her. I lose sleep. I can’t read books as easily, because my mind is too occupied with thoughts about her. I get jealous of anyone else she may talk to, or spend time with. I get jealous of her family! The more examples I write, the more I realize that this is a serious problem.

Here’s my best diagnosis: I crave time with a girl that I like, because I feel that every moment spent together is another chance I have to convince her that I’m the kind of guy she could date. It’s pretty selfish. If I ever want to lead a normal life, with normal relationships, I need to chill out. The reason these relationships eventually die is because I focus so much on my own agenda, and completely ignore the other persons needs. I can’t imagine how unfulfilling it would actually be if I was ever in a relationship like that. Not only would the chase be over, but my agenda would be accomplished. I would have convinced the girl that I’m datable material, and then what? That relationship couldn’t survive.

I’ve been asking God to help increase three things in my life. Patience, respect, and selflessness. Otherwise, every relationship I pursue will never amount to anything important, and I will be lonely for a long time. I’m tired of thinking about whether or not I should speak or stay silent, reach out and touch or hold back. I’m tired of second-guessing every action. I’m sure I’m not the only person that’s tired of it either.

Brad Pitt Is a Celebrity Among Celebrities

2009-01-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

And this is a blog completely unrelated to Brad Pitt.

A friend and I were having a conversation recently. I mentioned the fact that she has a tendency to hold on to relationships longer than most people, or possibly just myself. In fact, she has already written a post about this same conversation. You could call this a call-and-response blog, similar to "Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelu, Hallelujah, Praise ye the Lord".

In my experience, relationships (at least 95% of them) don't last very long. Soon enough, you graduate from school, you change jobs, you move out of town, or you make a some other change in your life that causes you to leave one group of people and join another. I'm a huge proponent for change. I don't stand on streetcorners protesting stagnancy, but I know that it's safer to drink out of a river than it is to drink out of a pond. When we allow movement to take us, we find the opportunity to look outside of ourselves, to realize that there is more than just "us". Staying put causes people to decrease the size of their world, until it fits inside a small town, or a house, or cramped inside one person's mind.

I don't consider myself a pessimist. In fact, I'm usually optimistic in most situations. But this may be one of the areas where I appear to be drinking out of a glass that's half empty. Why would I give up on the relationships of my past, the very people that have shaped me directly or indirectly, to be who I am today?

I haven't given up. I've acknowledged and appreciated their impact, applied it to my life as best as I could, and moved on to acknowledge and appreciate other people. Just like they have moved on as well. If I were to spend all of my time with my high school friends, wouldn't I be cheating both parties out of other more significant relationships? Relationships that could help challenge and enrich our lives as they are now, in the present, as opposed to how they were when we were sixteen?

Anyways, I've had really mixed emotions while writing all of this, and I'm still trying to decide what to make of it all. These are the list of possible reasons why I could have come to this stance on relationships:

I am bitter that I don't have a lifelong best friend.
I've been rejected so many times I've been forced to learn how to move on in order to survive emotionally.
I don't have enough energy or space in my life to have more than a few close friends.
I'm a parasite that moves from person to person, sucking them dry to serve myself.
I won't get close because I know that change is inevitable, and I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone.
People haven't initiated contact with me, and I'm too proud to contact them first.
Who I am now is not a significant improvement on who I was then.
Once people get to know me, really get to know me, they will discover that I'm not at all interesting enough to have around, and I move on before they get a chance to dig that deep.
I just get tired of people once I get to know them.

Life is ridiculous. I don't know whether to thank God or be angry with him for giving me emotions. Because of who I am - a selfish, confused, small, completely unimportant person - I have to go to a perfect God for guidance. That's either love, or false advertising. Did God make me imperfect knowing that my only choice would be to go back to my manufacturer and pay for repairs? Is this free will?

I've got questions! Am I supposed to go to God for the answers?

Distracting Myself

2009-01-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

There's something very relaxing about making my bed. When I wash my sheets, like I did today, I am given the opportunity to be distracted from everything else that is happening in my life and focus on the art of bed-making. Many other activities can put me in this state of focus and self-distraction. These include but are not limited to:

Doing laundry

Cleaning my room

Washing dishes

Cleaning the kitchen

Organizing my bookshelf

Cleaning my bathroom

Folding laundry

Cleaning my desk

It's clear that I mainly clean when I'm stressed, worried, or confused. For some reason, the act of putting everything in it's right place can help control my heartbeat. Could it be that I'm cleaning my surroundings as a sub-conscious attempt at getting my own life in order? Am I like PSH in Synecdoche, scrubbing at everything to avoid being covered in the grime and grit of growing old?

When I'm lying in bed, and my thoughts race out of control, I have a particular method to help calm me down so I can sleep. Some people count sheep. I imagine an empty bookshelf. The books that were once on it's shelves are now littering the floor. One by one, I place the books back on the shelf. I restore order to the disordered. And soon, my breathing slows down, and I fall asleep.

Soon enough, however, I realize that the cleaning must either stop (leaving me with only truth) or never end (completely ignoring truth). Why do I replace all of the books at night if I'm only going to pull them off the shelf again in the morning? Is this a process that must be repeated in order to stay sane? Must everything always be a process?

One more question: Can a life find order?

Art & Worship Before Work

2008-11-14T09:13:00.001-08:00

I had the privilege of playing worship music with a couple other guys at college church this morning. It was only for an hour because I have to go to work soon, but I'm glad I got to be there.

We played background music while students at a ministry conference took part in a group creative project. Three paintings depicting different moments in Christ's life (the crucifixion, burial and resurrection) were at the front of the room, unpainted. It was the student's job to each paint different parts of the canvases until all three were complete.

While watching the students and their youth pastors paint, I couldn't get the thought of someone making a mistake out of my head. What if one person took liberties with a gross color all over the sky, or painted someone with purple skin? I thought it would ruin the painting, or at least ruin the creative direction that someone may have had for the painting.

And then I realized that these "mistakes", or differences in direction, are what will make the painting beautiful when it is finished. Each person played a different role in the process, and even though some people may disagree with others, it still works together for good. How many times have I wanted to make things out of my control work out to meet my desired end result, and at the end, something far greater that I could have never imagined is accomplished?

I didn't actually get to see the finished product, but I am sure it will be beautiful, and completely different than I first pictured.

Critic Critique

2008-11-06T16:06:00.000-08:00

I decided yesterday that if I were given the choice, I would much rather be a film critic than a book critic. Even though I like reading books more than watching movies, I wouldn't want to ruin my love for books by making them my career. If I were to read books all day long, I would have to do that alone. Whereas I could watch movies with friends or my wife someday and be working at the same time. And I've never been able to read a book in two hours, except for If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

Also, I think book critics are uber-scholars with a thick repertoire of literary references used only in an attempt to impress their colleagues. So there.

Even so, I would like to make an attempt at impressing anyone who reads this dilapidated blog by talking about several books I've been reading lately.

I finished The Red Pony. A short and simple book by John Steinbeck. I won't say much about this book except that I believe it might have changed my life. Why say something in 400 pages that you can say in 90? Never before has a book made me feel the way this book did. Have you ever wanted to cry for all that has been lost and all that is yet to be found?

I'm currently reading A Confederacy of Dunces. And I need to do my laundry, so I'll talk more about this book when I finish reading it.

Signing Up For Eternity

2008-09-24T00:46:00.000-07:00

I just added 59 movies to my netflix queue. Every academy awards best picture winner. I've only seen 19 so far.

When I was looking for a bookmark to use for a book I was starting today, I came across one that I had picked up at powell's this summer. It's a list of all the pulitzer prize winners in the fiction category since the award was first given in 1918. I decided that I'm going to read all of them. I've only read 4 so far.

Of course, after I finish these two lengthy lists, there are many other lists. There are the golden globe winners, the sundance winners, AFI's 100 best movies, the Criterion collection, etc. There are the National Book Award winners, the New York Times bestsellers, Oprah's book club selections, and on and on. And apart from these notable lists, there are personal goals I would like to accomplish in the form of lists, such as reading every Steinbeck, or Vonnegut, or Hemingway, or watching every Hitchcock, or Allen, or Altman.

And right now, even though I am excited to get started, it worries me that I might not ever finish. That I don't have enough time! Even deeper than that, I'm getting worried that I won't enjoy the lists eventually, that my strict adherence to the lists will decrease the amount of spontaneity and increase the predictability in my life. Whether or not these concerns are superficial, they are closely related to the amount of uncertainty in my life (if I have enough time to accomplish lists that really matter, i.e., things I need to do to start a career, places I would like to visit and/or live, or in other words contained in this one list; what to do before I die).

I would much rather worry about movies and books.

Either way though, it reminds me of a line from a Five Iron Frenzy song:

"It's a little disconcerting, signing up for eternity."

Saying Goodbye To Friends

2008-08-07T22:22:00.001-07:00

No, I'm not leaving Oregon yet. Not until next week. But I did have to say goodbye to some very dear friends tonight.

Twitch, Katee, Courtney and Joshua, you will be missed.

In case you don't already know, these were the final four dancers for the show So You Think You Can Dance. The finale was earlier tonight and Joshua took home the title, which was well deserved.

The first episode of this show came on around the time I came home to Oregon City from Idaho. I knew that this was my last summer at home, even though I didn't know what I would be doing when it ended. I had no idea what to expect from the few months after college. I thought I would hate these last three months. I didn't want to be living in the same house and working at the same job I was before I ever went to college. There were many times when I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything. But this summer was different, better than that.

So the summer started off with this show, So You Think You Can Dance. I wasn't sold on it from the beginning. No matter what though, I would sit down with my mom every Wednesday night for another episode. And eventually I was hooked. Some of the dancing was amazing, but I loved the show for the personalities of the dancers. One of the dancers, Twitch, was fun to watch perform, but off the stage he was always smiling and encouraging people. He was the first person to support someone who moved on to the next level or got eliminated. Everytime. He was there with a hug and a smile.

And in a way, like I so often do, I connected with the people on the show. They became my friends. I do this with books all the time. For the last month of school this year I was slowly making my way through Sometimes A Great Notion, a novel by Ken Kesey. I finally finished it almost two months after I started. Now, when I think back to graduation, the moments leading up to it and the weeks after, I think of Hank, Leland, and Joe Ben cutting logs on a hill near the Oregon Coast. I feel like I was there! When I had read the last sentence of the book, it took me nearly ten minutes to close the book and put it down. I didn't want to leave behind the friends that had carried me through Graduation.

And here I find myself, saying goodbye to another group of friends. I meet them, I grow close to them, and we leave each other. The friendships I make in books, on TV, in movies, they hardly mean anything to me. It's when I have to say goodbye to the real friends that I struggle. And the worst part is, I'm used to it. Summer after summer, I left Nampa. I said goodbye and went home. Never before has it been difficult leaving Oregon to go back to Idaho though.

This summer was better than I could have ever expected it to be. This was the beginning of life after college! And I'm leaving it for another beginning. You don't have to tell me, I already understand that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. I just hate all of this goodbye stuff.

And so, in the spirit of life, friendship, and beginnings

I will never read the last sentence,

I will never watch a finale,

I will fall asleep in the last ten minutes,

I will do what I can to make sure that you and I don't have to begin again

Because I never want these friendships to end.

Viewing Points

2008-08-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

Facebook Status for current blog: Chris Spicer thinks that there are viewpoints along the highway of life; opportune roadside pull-offs that allow us to see the whole picture once again before heading off down the road.

One of my favorite viewpoints is at the edge of the Blue Mountains in eastern Oregon. Before you descend the mountains to Pendleton, you have one last chance to pull off and appreciate the majestic landscape. When I'm up there I feel like I'm bigger than the Blue Mountains and all of Oregon, even the Northwest and the entire Pacific Ocean.

In two weeks, I'll give all of that back. Is it sad? Or is it symbolic, to drive the other direction, not knowing when I'll see this view again?

I am sure that where one viewpoint ends, another begins. I won't stop here on my drive to Idaho. Right now, I don't think I need to see where I've been. I'll keep the car and drive, searching for viewpoints that reveal where I'm going.

This Is Why I'm Hot

2008-07-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

I saw this question posed on the internet recently.

You have a child that is born deaf. When your child turns 16, they receive implants that allow them to hear. What is the first song that you play for your child?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this question, and I still don't know if I have a clear answer. Several of my favorite songs immediately came into my head, but I just don't think they would be appropriate for the first song ever heard by my child. One song I considered was Straralfur by Sigur Ros. It is a beautiful song, and it gives me the shivers every time I listen to it. And yet, I believe my child would be confused by the language of the lead singer. I also thought about some important classical music, but I wouldn't want this to be a history lesson. I don't want to sit down with my child right away and say, "alright son/daughter, this is everything you missed out on while you were deaf." It has to be more than that.

And so I searched for passion. A song that makes you connect with the musicians and singer and understand their love/struggle/pain/growth. Something that makes you hear the music, and realize it's completeness, and yet desire more when it's over. And something that is just plain aesthetically pleasing to the ears.

Therefore, I've narrowed it down to four songs. Don't make me choose between these four, please.

The Whaler by Thrice.

Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.

Blackbird by The Beatles.

And Amazing Grace sung by Aretha Franklin.

Hate me all you want, but I really feel like these songs would be amazing to hear before any others.

I also can just imagine sitting with my child listening to these songs together. It would be like the scene from Once when father and son are listening to one of the son's songs for the first time. When it's over, there's a moment of silence, and finally the father says, "It's brilliant. Now play it again."

This is why I love music.

This is why I want to learn how to play guitar.

This is why I want to be a father.

This is why I et cetera, et cetera.

Bustomer Case

2008-07-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Questions Asked By Spicer Bros. Customers:

10. What time do you close?

9. Where are the bags?

8. Will you donate produce to my charity/event?

7. What do you do with the bad produce?

6. How much does this watermelon weigh?

5. Could you pick me out a good watermelon?

4. When will you have local corn?

3. Do you have local strawberries?

2. Where Are these tomatoes from?

1. Are these tomatoes safe?

Answers:

10. Seven.

9. In the basket right over there.

8. No, we already donate to the food bank at the local Nazarene church.

7. We give it to the pigs.

6. About 20 lbs.

5. Yes.

4. It could be tomorrow, or two weeks from now. No one knows for sure.

3. You just missed them. We had them during June.

2. Mexico, California, and Canada.

1. We wouldn't sell you bad tomatoes.

I Trained a Bull in Puerto Rico to Kill a Man

2008-07-08T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm restless.

I don't know why. But if I had to attribute it to something, here is a list.

I don't do much when I'm stuck at home in this basement.

There really are too many books and too little time.

All this looking at apartments makes me want to move NOW.

Norway is a long distance from here.

My dad and I are on different wave-lengths.

I can't talk to my dad about anything that isn't superficial.

I can't talk to my dad without feeling either a.) guilty b.)irresponsible c.) immature d.)misunderstood.

I can't measure up to my dad's expectations of me.

I am living in the same house and working at the same job I was before ever going to college.

Temptation has been really bringing me down lately.

I work all the time.

I drive everywhere.

I have too many friends here to move to Idaho.

I have too many friends there to not move to Idaho.

I feel tied down by the responsibility that comes with every paycheck.

I am going nowhere.

I am going everywhere.

I don't know where I'm going.

And yet, in the midst of this burden, I feel the presence of an almighty God working in my life. This restlessness is most likely attributed to a battle between control and surrender, guilt and redemption, lust and love, and justice and grace.

My prayer: Oh dear God, help me, I'm crying out to You. I can't do this on my own, and yet I keep trying. Release me of self and fill me with Truth. Trade this restlessness for peace. Peace in a broken heart and soul, I beg of you. Give me joy that cannot be contained. Let me spill over into the lives of those around. Let them see that my life is for a higher calling, to be a servant of the Most High. Erase my thoughts contrary to Your spirit, do away with my selfish actions. Let everything I do shine a light on You. Please, Lord, let everything I bring to You be an offering of my soul, my love and thankfulness for the work You've done in my life. See that what I bring to You is not worthy to be considered, but it is my hardest work, the best I can do, everything I have laid out before You unconditionally. I want nothing more than to praise Your Majesty and dwell within the depths of Your love forever. This is my prayer. This is all of me.

Being Open-Minded

2008-06-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

People drive by Spicer Brother's Produce with their music blaring, and we dance. If it's hip-hop, we groove and throw out "uhs" and "yeahs". If it's techno, we roxbury that ish. If it's metal, we throw up our rock fists. And mostly, we laugh.

However, I am sure that the drivers of said cars would be offended to know we poke fun at their loud music. And thinking this, I turn to a co-worker and say, "People take their music too seriously."

But who am I?

The next day, same co-worker claims that Matchbox 20 might be the best example of a rock and roll band in the industry today. Same co-worker claims that Jack Johnson might be the best musician overall in the industry today. And I scoff.

I claim that I don't want to talk about music and movies with friends because we always boil blood. We can't keep calm and we can't appreciate any opinions except our own. But I always get caught up in it.

I sit on my high throne, king of all music. I only listen to good music. I don't listen to jack johnson anymore because he's cliche. I won't argue with you. Not because I respect your opinion, but because you're inferior opinion isn't worth my time.

How could I hate a person, a good friend, who listens to bad (opinion) music? Would I really let music get in the way of a relationship? I can't believe I ever let myself become this person. I apologize.

From now on, you can listen to what you like, and I'm gonna love you for it. If it makes you happy, then listen, listen! And I will join you.

Some Movie Information

2008-06-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Kylee made me do it.

1. One movie that made you laugh

O Brother Where Art Thou

2. One movie that made you cry

The Pianist

3. One movie you loved when you were a child

Star Wars

4. One movie you’ve seen more than once

The Wedding Singer

5. One movie you loved, but were embarrassed to admit it

My Best Friend's Wedding

6. One movie you hated

Crash

7. One movie that scared you

Donnie Darko

8. One movie that bored you

Marie Antoinette

9. One movie that made you happy

Stranger Than Fiction

10. One movie that made you miserable

Requiem For A Dream

11. One movie you weren’t brave enough to see

Saw 4

12. One movie character you’ve fallen in love with

Minnie Driver in Goodwill Hunting

13. The last movie you saw

The Happening

14. The next movie you hope to see

Wall*E

15. Your favorite movie

Almost Famous

One More Top Ten

2008-06-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Favorite Film Directors

10. Steven Spielberg

9. Spike Jonze

8. Michel Gondry

7. Akira Kurosawa

6. Martin Scorsese

5. Darren Aronofsky

4. Ethan and Joel Coen

3. Paul Thomas Anderson

2. Wes Anderson

1. M. Night Shyamalan

Following My Dreams

2008-06-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

It should be no secret that I really like hockey. Many of my friends know this due to the time I spend watching and talking about hockey. Over the past year, hockey has become a passion for me. I love the whole idea of the sport; the skill, the honor, the teamwork, the dedication, and the prestige of it all. I have dreams about playing on the ice with my favorite players. And I have never played a game in my life.

It may sound weird to many people that one of my passions is hockey when I have never played. Well, I want to change that. At the end of this year of school, we were asked to write a short paragraph describing what we would do after college. I wrote that I would either become a writer or a professional hockey player. Most people laughed. I'm serious.

Today at work, I couldn't stop thinking about hockey, and how badly I want to play. I know that I did not grow up with a hockey stick always in my hand like many professional players. I didn't play in school. I didn't play in college. I don't have the experience. But I believe there are three things required before a person can become a professional hockey player. Skill, knowledge of the game, and passion. I have two out of the three, and I am determined to reach the third.

I'm not exactly sure what this means. At work, thoughts of moving to Canada crossed my mind. Thoughts of finding a job at a small ice rink and skating every day went through my head. I've thought about this a lot. I don't have any times or dates set. The only thing I know for certain right now is if I never follow this dream, if I never at least try, I will be a disappointment to myself. I don't like to have regrets, and I am sure this will become one if I ignore it.

I can see myself playing hockey for the rest of my life and being happy. But when, and where do I start? How far should I follow this dream?

Three Top Tens

2008-06-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Christian Recording Artist Rock Albums

10. Blindside - Silence

9. MxPx - Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo

8. Further Seems Forever - The Moon Is Down

7. Switchfoot - New Way To Be Human

6. Audio Adrenaline - Some Kind of Zombie

5. Plankeye - Commonwealth

4. Mae - Destination: Beautiful

3. The Juliana Theory - Emotion Is Dead

2. Jars of Clay - Much Afraid

1. DC Talk - Jesus Freak

Top 10 Local Portland Metropolitan Area Dining Spots

10. Hong Kong 97 (Gladstone)

9. La Provence (Lake Oswego)

8. DaVinci's Ristorante Italiano (Milwaukie)

7. Buster's BBQ (Gladstone)

6. Lil' Cooperstown (West Linn)

5. Hotcakes (Portland)

4. Pizza Schmizza (Portland)

3. Super Torta (Oregon City)

2. Laurelwood (Portland)

1. Montage (Portland)

Top 10 Books I've Read In The Last Year

10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - J.K. Rowling

9. High Fidelity - Nick Hornby

8. What Is The What - Dave Eggers

7. Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut

6. A Man Without A Country - Kurt Vonnegut

5. Rant - Chuck Palahniuk

4. You Shall Know Our Velocity - Dave Eggers

3. Sometimes A Great Notion - Ken Kesey

2. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

1. The Road - Cormac McCarthy

In The Morning

2008-06-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting in my dad's chair using his laptop computer. My mom is making breakfast behind me in the kitchen. My shift at work starts at 10:30, which is the latest shift possible without being a closer. Shifts that go into the late afternoon are always slow and boring; everything usually gets done by about 4:00. I won't get off until 7:00, which means I will most likely be standing behind the cash register for hours, or walking back and forth around the store looking for something to do. I wouldn't necessarily mind having this later shift on any other day, but I would have really liked to watch the hockey game on at 5:00.

I was looking out the living room windows at my backyard earlier this morning. It is nearly 90% green. the other 10% accounts for the back patio and the brown trucks of the green-leaved trees. I have said this to many people recently, but one of my favorite things about the Portland area is not only the green, but the different shades of green. Anywhere you look there are multiple types of trees and bushes and grass, all with their unique blend of blue and yellow. It has to rain a lot for this to happen, but I think it's worth it.

My mom just put a plate of eggs and toast on the table, and it's starting to get cold.

Strange People Listening to Strange Music

2008-05-24T22:54:00.000-07:00

Every time I see a person walking somewhere with headphones on, I go crazy with curiosity. I would love to know what everyone is listening to. Sometimes people will walk up to Spicer Brothers with headphones. They'll shop with their headphones in, and only take them out to talk to the person at the cash register. As soon as they pay for their produce, the headphones go back on the ears. It's amazing! Could their music be that good? I must know what they're listening to!

I've been working up the courage to ask one customer that is always wearing headphones what she listens to, but it hasn't happened yet. For now, I just imagine that everyone is smiling and listening to this song.

A Little Mood Music

2008-05-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

Is the mood I'm in affected by the music I listen to, or do I choose music based on the mood I'm in? I think most people will sit down at their computer or car and pick songs that would best accompany how they are feeling at the moment. If I want to relax and take it easy, I might choose Fruit Bats. If I'm feeling energetic, I might choose Chromeo. There's an argument for hearing a exciting song on the radio or in a store and being affected, but my money is on the mood changing the music choice.

And so much more than just mood changing choice; who I am changes the experience I have with the music. 200 people standing together at a small concert venue can hear the same song and simultaneously experience 200 different emotions. It's not the music, it's the people. An album isn't complete when it is finally produced, printed, wrapped, and placed on the shelve. It's complete (and yet ever-growing/changing) when people listen to it and give themselves to it. It's collaborative; we're all a part of it.

This is why I love creativity! Music, films, paintings, novels; past all of the money, there's a reason these are all mass-distributed. Songs must be heard, movies must be seen, paintings must be viewed, books must be read to exist, to serve their purpose. And discussion fuels the fire. It all boils down to the basic human desire to be involved, to be included, to contribute, to be recognized, to have value!

Kylee's Mom

2008-05-18T23:20:00.001-07:00

When I Dream

2008-05-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

The other night I was dreaming. I had woken out of the same bed that I was sleeping in and walked to my computer in the other room. All of this was in my dreamy haze. For some reason I had decided to look up the roster for the TOMFest muscial festival in washington, but I was having the hardest time finding it. Instead of searching for TOMFest, I kept typing "portico", which is what the festival was named for one year. Eventually, I gave up trying to find the website. Later, in relaying this situation to a friend - still in the dream - I said, "Never try to google something while you're dreaming." It was the best advice I'd given in a while, dreaming or awake.

Before I Go To Bed (Version 2)

2008-05-16T23:18:00.006-07:00

I've been pretty skeptical of this whole coming back home and working for my dad business. I was against it for a long time, because I wanted proof that I went to college. After spending four years in Idaho, now where am I? In the same town, same house, working the same job, with some of the same people. Not much has changed. I've been taking steps to make these changes though.

This summer, my old bedroom will be turned into another guest room. I don't even sleep in it now; the bed in my brother's old room is more comfortable than mine. Anyways, I've been sorting out and getting rid of most of the junk that has sat waiting for me in my room for four years. My mom has bought a new bedspread, and once we paint over the two-tone blue paint job that I chose five years ago, there won't be much left to remind me of my old self. And that's the way I like it. I need proof.

Not the kind of proof that everyone older than me keeps thrusting upon me. Just because I'm out of college now doesn't mean that I have to get a job. For me, it almost means the opposite. I need some time. Sure a job would be nice, but I just need time, you know? I can work for the rest of my life until I've work myself tired, but why start now?

Before I Go To Bed (Version 1)

2008-05-16T22:56:00.004-07:00

I've been home for seven days, and I've worked five. Spicer Brothers is a good place to work though. It's work that doesn't require much thinking. And when the day is over, I can leave work at the store and go home.

I have a habit of worrying about everything I have to do. This happened at school often, and it has transfered over to work. At school, I would have five assignments, or big tests in two days, and I couldn't see them getting done. Or at least without extreme suffering. Eventually though, I would step back and tell myself, "No matter what, tomorrow, or next week, or the moment after the due date will come. Whether I turn in the homework or not." For some reason that always calmed me down. I still had to do the work, but the prospect of the inevitable arrival of relaxation and carefreeness made the work easier.

I have had to remind myself of that several times in the last week at work. When I get to the store in the morning, I don't leave again for eight and a half hours. That's a long time. But it's coming whether or not I work hard. So I might as well work hard. That could be a good way to live the rest of my life.

Also, the guitar player from Kutless shops at our store now.

Home in Oregon

2008-05-12T17:03:00.002-07:00

After spending a week in Nampa after graduation I am now back home in Oregon. The reason I stayed in the was for a job interview, but I'm glad I stayed for other reasons. I got to spend a lot of time with some awesome people; Katie, Kylee, Jenna, Mike, Ryan, and Kenton. And I was able to relax and enjoy life in Nampa without all the usual added stress.

I can't think of a better way I could have ended the week either. Thursday night Katie and I went on a date. We went to dinner, coffee, and a movie (classic date style). I had a great time, and it really was the perfect last night in town. The next day before I left I had lunch with Katie and then stopped by the Brass Razoo to say goodbye to Kylee. It really is goodbye for a long time too, since she's moving to Kansas. I'm going to miss her when she's all the way over in the midwest.

The best thing happened right before I left town. I got a drink at the flying m before heading out of town, and the lady right behind me stepped up to the counter and said, "Are you ready for me?" to the barista. They said yes, and then she said the best possible thing she could have said: Six-Shot Mondo Mars Bar. It was like the end of a book or movie, where a ridiculous moment from the past is linked back to the end of the book, and the last sentence or line hits you when you're least expecting it. But it's the perfect ending. I would explain further, but my cousin and I are leaving right now to go to a movie.

Next post: How Oregon is different than Idaho.

Time to Relax

2008-05-06T12:02:00.002-07:00

School's out. It feels really good to be done. I try not to let myself get stressed out, but it happened a lot this semester. And now that's done.

I'm still in Nampa until Friday. I'm on the schedule to work at Spicer Brothers Produce starting Saturday! I can't wait to just take it easy for a while. I have a lot of books to read, so I'll be out on the patio at my house in Oregon City if you want to find me.

Who I Used To Be

2008-04-21T23:57:00.005-07:00

And so the day comes to a close. Another ring cut off of the chain. Soon enough I'll reach another milestone.

When I was in 3rd grade, someone told me that I would graduate from high school in 2004. At that young age, I couldn't even grasp the actual meaning of a length of time that long. At that age, that would have meant that I would be in school for about as long as I had already been alive. then someone told me that 2008 would be the year that I would graduate from college, and I just didn't even try to contemplate that remark. In my mind, I saw flying cars and jetpacks in 2008.

Well, it's 2008. Everyone constantly talks about moving on, being a part of the real world, as if everything we have known and experienced up to this point amounts to nothing. I'd like to think that I've done something worthwhile with my life in the past 22 years. However, I can even become a follower in this thinking sometimes.

Over the past four years at college I have made and achieved a lot of goals. Those include learning, earning a degree, making great friends, etc. Another goal that I made was to forget about everything about my life before college, except for my family. This goal came out of a tough last year of high school. Well, if I'm being honest with myself, high school wasn't so kind to me, as it isn't to most people. The fault may lie in the fact that I had too much hope. Let me explain.

I never had solid friendships throughout high school. I knew many people, and many people knew me, but I only had a couple friends that I would hang out with outside school. This was never much of a problem for me though, because I had a strong group of "best friends" in my youth group. The end of junior year and all of senior year proved to show me that having hope (or an unhealthy amount of hope) in people can paint an unrealistic picture of the way life is. When friends moved on to other friends, or churches, or moved on to drugs, my hopes in their perfection and ultimate loyalty to me as a friend were dashed. Lucky for me, I kept hope. Even in the midst of changes for the worst in many of my relationships, I was able to smile and keep up my reputation as a silly guy, always smiling and laughing.

Since this happened at the end of senior year, I fooled myself into thinking that it would be the perfect time to move on and start life over again. Good and bad things have resulted from looking at my move to Nampa in this way. It's been good that I have been able to find meaning and importance in everything, and to make every moment here at college memorable. However, I believe that I have been lying to myself and to others about who I really am, or at least who I used to be.

Just like the rest of the world expects to forget about our old life and start anew in "the real world" after college, I forced myself to forget my past and take a stab at maturity. But denying the past makes a person forget where they came from and what they went through to get where they are today. I have a bad habit of looking back and seeing the sour moments, the bad decisions, the missed opportunities, but I cheat myself out of all of the good memories that have also made me who I am today. It was as if I stepped back from the chalkboard of my life at the end of high school, which was full of writing, some good, some bad, and just erased it all. I didn't take the time to leave the good, I just erased it all. Sure, it felt good to have a clean slate, but I had to forget myself to start anew. Was it worth it?

Now that I'm the end of college, I feel like a four year old boy stepping out into a big, scary street with fast cars, rather than a 22 year old man. I can't rely on everything I've learned in the past four years to support me alone. There is gold my past; events that have changed things for me and made things the way they are today. I can't ignore that. I know I couldn't fathom this day when I was only seven years old, but it's here now, and I managed to get here somehow, if only by the grace of God. In three weeks, three years, three decades, when I am an official member of "the real world" I want to say that life is good, but I also want to have the wisdom to look back and see that life was also good back in the day. That I wouldn't be where I am without who I was.

More Homework

2008-04-16T10:12:00.002-07:00

Took my computer downstairs, woke up at five again.

And my friendly neighborhood spider-man stopped by!

Popcorn Post

2008-04-14T20:21:00.005-07:00

-I'm listening to "If Only" by Nouveaux, a contemporary Christian band from the 90s, and thinking to myself about how it's lyrics and four part harmony would be perfect for Covenant to play. I decide to e-mail it to Marc.

-Katie Wilson calls me while I'm listening to "If Only" by Nouveaux and thinking about Marc and Covenant to see if I can play with her at the Flying M Thursday (which I don't think I can because of work) and she is with Marc.

-I woke up at 5am this morning to work on a homework assignment I'd been putting off. I set the timer on my coffee maker to go off at five so that I would get up and not be wasteful. I worked until 12:30pm. I drank two large mugs of strong coffee, a glass of water, two glasses of cranberry juice, and ate two pieces of toast, a biscotti, and a pack of peanut butter crackers.

-I spent about 9 hours doing that assignment today. If I hadn't, I wouldn't have graduated. It was alright though. I always work better when I wake up early and give the work a new day, rather than staying up late with all that happened during the day.

-I think this is how I'll write someday when it's all I do. I'll wake up early, let nothing else worry me but the sun rising, the coffee brewing, the jazz jazzin' (I listened to jazz for 6 hours today), and the stories will write themselves. I'm sure of it.

-I've been telling people lately that I don't let homework get me down. I haven't been turning it in on a regular basis, but it's been hitting me hard. When I have late assignments piling up, it drains me. Every day that goes by takes a little something away from me. When I do anything other than that assignment with my free time, I can't enjoy it as much as before. When I sit down to read, I feel guilty. Food doesn't taste as good. This could be why I've had a rough semester; I haven't been able to enjoy the things I love. Homework has been getting me down!

-I'm about halfway through Sometimes A Great Notion. It's a good book, and I've been reading on a regular basis, almost daily, but it's long. And not only that, it's more difficult to get through then maybe a... John Grisham book.

-Less than three weeks until graduation. My family is coming up, it should be fun. But the point is, that's soon.

-Assignments I have to do in the next three weeks: write five short stories (good ones too, because I hold myself to unrealistic standards), write two more major papers, and give ten minute presentation. No biggie. Just as long as I don't wait and do it late.

-P.S. I made another casserole and it was delicious. I'm the only one that's eaten any besides Phil, and he only ate it because he was hungry. He doesn't even like the taste of it.

-Oh and also, here are a few more words for you: uncertainty, graduation, sleep, work, write, eat, laugh, plan, live, apply, deploy, imply, decoy, dirty dishes, messy room, loads of laundry, lava lamp, memories, bible, bird, coffee, music, summer, hockey, and finally, vanilla.

-What I'm lookin' like these days, considering the circumstances:

This Is Funny...

2008-04-12T00:51:00.002-07:00

...or it's late.

Making A Move

2008-04-06T23:36:00.008-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me recently what my plans are for after graduation. Well, right now, things are looking unclear. I thought I would be working at Spicer Brothers Produce, but another job opportunity has come up. In light of all the confusion however, I have some privileged information for what I'm going to be doing sooner than graduation. As in Wednesday.

Starting April 9th, right after Kylee's show, I'm moving into the Corlett lobby.

Due to certain circumstances, such as our school not providing us with cable in the dorms and apartments, we only pick up four and a half stations. That's with the help of our trusty rabbit ears. That being said, we don't get a pivotal station that, beginning Wednesday, will become very important in my life. That channel is Versus, and it is of utmost importance due to the fact that the NHL playoffs start in two days on this station. If you would like to find me, I will be on the couch in the corlett lobby, with a coke in one hand, a sandwich in the other hand, and homework in another. And I'll be supporting the ANAHEIM DUCKS, so watch out.

Here are my bracket predictions. Let me know what you think.

The Power of Story

2008-04-01T23:00:00.005-07:00

I'm glad I went to class today.

The class is creative writing, which is probably the closest to what I could say I want a career in someday. Throughout the course of this semester we're doing ten short stories. I'm a little bit behind, but I have turned in a few at this point in the class.

Today, the professor chose two stories for us to read out loud and discuss, which we do often (or at least when I have made it to class). He chose my story about surfing, and I had the privilege of reading it out loud for the class.

I get a little nervous sometimes when I read my work in front of people. I think it has to do with the fact that I love writing, I think I'm good at it, and if I were to read something I wrote to a disapproving audience, it just might kill me. It would be terrible if I was not very good at what I want to do for the rest of my life. So I'm always taking a leap of faith out there by sharing my stories with others. Obviously, I like it when people give me positive feedback, because that really encourages me. (An example of getting nervous when reading my work: In creative writing:poetry last year, I had to read some deeply personal poems in front of the class, about four in a row. I almost didn't make it through the fourth, as my legs started to shake, I started to breathe really fast and thought I would pass out from dizziness. I had to stop halfway through the poem to catch my breath.)

I read my story out loud today, and it fell upon mixed reviews. I think that several people didn't necessarily understand the metaphor, or the point that I was trying to make. Most of the criticism that people gave was good, but I have to draw a line at some point, or else I'll just sacrifice my writing style for what these other people think is right or wrong. One person actually handed me a copy of my story completely marked up for grammar mistakes. I looked it over, and this person was adding words and changing sentences left and right. If I had made all of those changes, it wouldn't have been my story anymore. It would have been adulterated.

However, there was one person who said some great things about the story. It was great to hear what she had to say, because she really did understand what I was trying to say. She read sections out loud that she especially liked, and she sounded so happy about certain parts of the story. When people are truly appreciative like she was, it reminds me of why I write. Because I love to write, I love to write, and stories have the power to bring people together. Some of the greatest authors and speakers of our time became great because of their skill in using metaphors and analogies, and good stories. I hope that I can always use the power of story, because I feel that it is a gift God has given me to do good work for his kingdom.

Nylon Woman

2008-03-30T22:59:00.004-07:00

You talk too much - she says and lets her head drop, her hair barely concealing the upturned corners of her red-rimmed mouth. The whites of her teeth shine through her bangs as rays pushing through the clouds, teasing.

I may talk too much, but you - are so beautiful, you have to know that I feel this way. What haven’t I done right?

I what? - a simple question.

You don’t say enough - a complicated answer. He does talk quite a lot, but he doesn’t realize it. It’s almost always the next day when he remembers telling her about everything he’s done, and all that he’s going to do, but can’t remember a single thing she said to him. I was just answering her questions, I wanted to be thorough. I ask questions, right? Why wouldn’t I? And so he tortures himself, with good reason of course, because he does ask too many questions.

Just yesterday, at the dinner table with his family on a Sunday.

How is the market? - his mother asks, even though she had just visited him yesterday to pick up a few “groceries” and left with a bottle of Vermont maple syrup. She has fixed pancakes, eggs, bacon, and toast for dinner on this particular occasion, and placed the bottle of Vermont maple syrup, label out, directly in front of his plate. She had bought the most expensive bottle available, sure that the money spent would impress her son and somehow make it directly into his pocket.

It’s great, just great - he pauses, continues - You know, I’ve been considered for a promotion.

Oh? - His father sets down his fork, leaving a pice of egg trapped against a syrupy soaked pancake.

And he goes on to tell his parents all about what has been happening with his job, his apartment, his close friends. They have so many questions, and he doesn’t hesitate to answer each in full. He leaves that day feeling as if he has truly impressed his parents, that their boy is growing up to be someone responsible. And so it surprises him to hear her ask about his parents; how they are, what they’ve been involved in, how their health is.

My parents? Why? - he asks, remembering that she had met his parents, though only once, on accident. This is good, she’s asking me more questions, she wants to know more about me.

Did you have dinner with them yesterday?

Oh, yeah. They looked good. It was just nice to see them. I think they really miss me; you know, I don’t go home very often. It’s just weird to go back there when - she’s cutting me off. What’s wrong now.

There, you’re doing it again. Turning it around - and she begins to turn around as if to leave.

I emit a quick Wait!, and grab her arm. She turns back

What am I turning around, what? - And he honestly doesn’t understand her.

Everything comes back to you, always. Your parents may know you, but you really can’t say the same about them - she says in desperation.

Alright, so - he slows down to think - Can you wait here for one moment? - he asks her and turns to walk away.

She has grown tired of putting up with him and his vanity, but she waits, knowing that it would hurt him for her to leave. It’s not always conversation and ignorance; sometimes they do things together. The kinds of things that you would like to remember and not let go easily. And she also knows, deep down inside where her own vanity lies, she can help him come out of it.

He walks to the end of the walkway where they have located themselves in the park. This intersects Greenleaf avenue, where several covered benches hold people waiting for the next bus. Next to the benches, a nylon woman slows her bike and steps off, pulling a small bag off of her shoulders. He steps forward to the nylon woman in an attempt at conversation between strangers.

She is still waiting back at the beginning, near 30 yards, exactly where he hopes she will stay I hope she waits for me, it might mean that she really does like to be around me if she’s still there when I get back. Looking on as the nylon woman talks to her with his hands, she convinces herself that this is good. That what he is doing, whatever it might be, is good, has to be good, because this nylon woman is smiling, with her nylon covered plastic helmet.

The only thing that the nylon does not cover is her wizened face, and he looks into it as he asks her a series of questions. Nylon woman answers succinctly, taking long drinks of water between each yes, no, or barely longer string of words that she lets him have. When his barrage of questions continues, she seals her water, reaches in her bag, and pulls out another bottle.

I have a spare, here - nylon woman says and hands him her extra bottle of water.

Oh, you don’t have to - he says. Why would she give me her water, she’s the one riding the bike.

Don’t - she interrupts - Just drink.

And he does.

When he arrives at the spot where she was standing, he is the only one there. She has already left. He waits three minutes, checks his watch, and leaves with the empty water bottle in his right hand.

Back at her house, she hears a knock on the door, which is unlocked.

Come in - she says, while keeping her eyes on her book - It’s unlocked.

Hey - he says as he steps into her room. She is so beautiful, even now, maybe even more so with her glasses and the way that her hair is right there. You were gone, and though... I knew you might be. Where did you go? - he asks.

I just came here - and she sets down her book.

Did you walk the whole way? - he asks.

Yes - she says - It was nice.

Have you eaten yet? - he asks

My mother and I shared two sandwiches, half and half - she says, with the motion of her hand landing perpendicular on her other, cutting through the air. She laughs with herself and looks up at him, placing her glasses on the book, brushing hair out of her face, smiling.

How is your mother? - he asks Did you see the nylon woman?

She is great - as her smile grows - She asked about you. I told her everything. What’s with the water bottle? - she adds, as if it’s the only thing she doesn’t understand about him.

Did you see the nylon woman? You must have seen her - he asks - She asked about you.

Oh? - she questions - And what did you tell her?

I told her I’d have to get back to her - he says.

What do you need to know? - she says, and leans forward.

I need to know that you saw the nylon woman, that she was beautiful, and everything she said about her family and we shared the water and she knew everything about me through the questions, and not through the answers. I need to know that you will let this become something that you can give yourself to. I need to know who and what and how you are. I need to know exactly what you need to do to be you, and how I can be by your side.

I need to know how I can be by your side. Can I be by your side? - he asks.

So Much Drama

2008-03-28T19:29:00.003-07:00

I am backstage right now, somewhere in the middle of act two scene three, and everyone is eating trail mix. I had a couple fish tacos with my parents before the show, and Reed and I are planning on getting some pita pit inside our bellies after the show, so I am staying away from the trail mix.

I'm glad that my parents came up today to see the play. I guess it just shows that they love me if they're willing to drive a total of fourteen hours in two days to see me act in a jane Austen play. What great parents I have. Or, "great parents, you have," in Yoda speak.

Act three is coming up. Better go.

I'm Kind Of Busy

2008-03-27T21:05:00.003-07:00

Ever since I've come back from Spring Break, I've been busy.

I knew that this week was going to be hectic because of the play, but I didn't realize how tired I would be. Having Wade here was great too. I wish I could have hung out with him more than I did, but the play wouldn't let me.

Here's a list of fun things that Wade and I were able to do while he was here though; play basketball at the Rec center, watch a movie with friends, go out to dinner, eat breakfast at the Honker with Kenton, and talk. It was all great, and it reminded of me of the time when he was here all the time. If I move to Portland, that may be one of the main reasons...

Tonight was opening night of Pride & Prejudice, and I play the part of Mr. Bennett, the cynical, and yet loving, father of three girls. I can see a little of myself in Mr. Bennett, except for whole wife and children thing. Anyways, tonight went well, and I was proud. My parents will be there tomorrow, and you should too. I might try to post a new blog from backstage during act two, who knows.

Takin' It Easy

2008-03-20T23:41:00.003-07:00

Reed and I have been relaxing at my house, and it's been great.

I love having time to read, and not worry about school or work.

I also love hockey, and there are only a few games left in the regular season. I can't wait for the playoffs.

Steak for dinner was good.

This is spring break at its finest. And sadly, the last spring I'll have for a while. How's yours?

The Sketchy City & The Emerald City

2008-03-18T22:45:00.002-07:00

I made a claim to Reed today that we are having the best Spring Break that NNU has seen since we have been students there. I think I actually meant it.

The day in Canada was one of the better days I've had in the past year. We walked on sidewalks, drank coffee in coffee shops, read books in book stores, and ate real Canadian cuisine. Vancouver is a huge city, and it is full of people. Even though we were there on a Monday, the streets were absolutely packed with people. And sure, being in large cities can be intimidating, and downright scary at times, but it was even more exaggerated in Vancouver. Not only were we in a city we had never been to before, but we were in a different country, and we annoyed the Canadians with our American ignorance of their culture. We left the main downtown area once during the day to go visit a bike shop, and it was definitely a scary experience. I'm just glad that I wasn't alone, and that I was walking during the day.

Even though we were afraid to upset these people and the natural balance of their lives and city, one person surprised us.

We were looking for parking near the stadium when we first got into town so that we didn't have to walk far after the game, and we ended up pulling into a parking lot a couple blocks away. To make a long story short, we discovered that they were using it as a lot for a film crew, but the parking attendant (Canadian), realized that we (American) were visiting, and she helped us out. She gave us an awesome parking spot for free, and then we talked about the hockey game, and we laughed and had a great time. At the end of the conversation, she said "See, Canadian's are nicer than you think." It was awesome.

Turns out the movie they were filming was The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, the last movie that Heath Ledger was filming, but now has Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell.

Crazy.

Anyways, the hockey game was amazing, totally amazing, Ryan's house was amazing, this trip has been amazing.

Quick note also: we spent a few hours in Seattle today with my cousins Sheena and Dawn, and it was a gorgeous day. We had lunch at a sandwich shop called Specialties, and I loved it. It was just nice to see my cousins and catch up.

I know this post has been long, but there was a lot to cover, and a lot I even left out. Now we're in Portland, things should slow down, which is okay with me. I'll keep you updated.

Northwest Conquest

2008-03-16T22:58:00.005-07:00

Reed and I started out yesterday to conquer four of the northwest's major cities in four days.

We were in Boise yesterday.
We're in Seattle tonight.
We'll be in Vancouver, BC tomorrow.
And Portland on Tuesday.

We like to call it the Northwest Conquest, or North Conq for short.

The drive from Nampa went quick, and I discovered that my car begins to shake at 75mph.

Other than that, the only thing you need to know is that I'm staying organized. I have an "important things" bag. It's ziploc, and inside are all of the items in the picture below.

Passport to get into Canada tomorrow.
Two tickets to see the Vancouver Canucks play the Pheonix Coyotes.
Cash for depositing at the nearest bank.
Two recent paychecks. (See above)
Two buttons to be sewed back onto my work shirt.
Trusty Jet Stream pen.

I hope to add more as the trip goes along.

See you in Canada!

To Build A Home

2008-03-14T21:45:00.006-07:00

Over the past week, the one thing I have thought about more than any other is home.

I have been listening to a song by The Cinematic Orchestra and Patrick Watson called "To Build a Home" at least three times a day for the last few days. It is an amazing song.

Although a soft bed with fresh sheets can be comfortable, there are things in this world, instances and ideas that can provide just as much comfort as the feeling a clean bed can. Certain songs give me this intangible comfort, and To Build A Home is one of those. Even though it isn't real, and I can't hold it in my hands, I can let this song surround me.

One of my friends once said that whenever she heard a song called "Deliver Me", it made her feel safe. I kind of mocked her for this, but it was before I had heard "To Build A Home" and felt safe myself.

I had the pleasure of introducing this song to several of my friends tonight. We turned off the lights in my apartment, laid down on the couches, and just listened for six minutes. The words about home filled the air, mixed together with the sweeping piano and beautiful string melodies. And even though I will be at my house in four days, I was home tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately.

A Day Like Any Other

2008-03-13T13:38:00.005-07:00

Today has been pretty good thus far. My one and only class was cancelled, so I've just been hanging out and taking it easy. One thing that was great about today was that I got to go to lunch with Grant, and Grant is fun to talk to. We haven't had much of a chance to talk since this last summer, so I thought going to lunch would be a good idea. And it was. Not just because we got Panda, but because it was good to see how things are going in his life, and to just talk for a while.

I know Grant reads this, so I'm just trying to butter him up a little. Otherwise, I would have said all of how I really feel about him. But not really.

Anyways, that was pretty much the only thing I've done today, and now I have to go to work. I have entirely too much homework to do before tomorrow. And I have late homework that I haven't even started. It just builds up and makes me want to do it even less. It's a a bad habit to get into. So tonight I may just have to pull an all-nighter to get it all done, which is fine, because Spring Break starts tomorrow! And I am way too excited.

To show you just how excited I am, I want to leave you with this GIF I found online. It makes me laugh out loud when I'm by myself. Have a great Thursday.

This Is For Chad

2008-03-11T09:48:00.010-07:00

I just finished reading Slaughterhouse 5 last week. I liked it a lot. I have another book by Vonnegut that serves as his memoirs, kind of. It's called A Man Without a Country. Anyways, one thing I've appreciated about him is his respect for the Bible, more so than any other classic American author I have read. Here's a passage from that book.

"How do humanists feel about Jesus? I say of Jesus, as all humanists do, "If what he said is good, and so much of it is absolutely beautiful, what does it matter if he was God or not?"

But if Christ hadn't delivered the Sermon on the Mount, with its message of mercy and pity, I wouldn't want to be a human being."

Common Moments Best Left Unspoken

2008-03-10T22:05:00.003-07:00

Some of the best moments that can be shared between people are those that take place after life-changing events. When people share these moments together, the kind of moments that you will never forget, it brings about a level of closeness that can be experienced nowhere else. The connection is made when the group of people is leaving this moment, coming out on the other side of the challenge or trial, and they take the time to share silent reflection.

I have experienced this several times. When I was a teenager and my dad owned a boat, we would spend hours on the lake or river as a family. Even though I had a great time riding in the inner-tubes and swimming, the best part of the day was always the drive back to the dock. If we were on the Willamette river, we might have driven far up river, several miles away from our truck, and it would take fifteen minutes to drive back to the loading area. During this time, we would wrap our wet legs in beach towels and face forward, letting the wind dry our hair. As we let the setting sun soak our backs, we would silently share everything with each other. In my mind, I told my parents that I was happy for the way they raised me at the end of every boating trip. I told my brother how glad I was that we had each other to rely on. My parents would tell both of us that they were proud of us, that they would be proud of us no matter what we grew up to do, but they would say it without sound.

I also felt this on the way to my friend's mother's funeral. The drive to the cemetery took close to 30 minutes. And although the car was void of talking the entire way, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else at the moment. As I looked out at the expansive fields of yellow wheat and grain that made up most of the scenery on the way, I drew comfort from the fact that I wasn't alone in how I felt. Words weren't necessary to create the bond in that moment, and I will never forget it.

Driving home after saying goodbye to a good friend at the airport, watching the news with classmates as two towers collapse, or simply walking from the chapel to your cabin at church camp after an amazing time of worship. These are the moments that affect lives, that have affected my life. The closest connections can be made through shared experiences, whether they are happy, or sad, trying, or comforting. No matter what they are, they are meaningful, and I will never forget them. I hope sometime this week you can take the time to remember moments like these that have changed your life, and the people that were there throughout it all.

These moments wouldn't exist without those people.

Just To See If It Works

2008-03-09T22:29:00.009-07:00

I set up a mail to blog address, so now whenever I am somewhere with only my iPod and no computer, I can still write emergency posts!
Awesome!

So even though I am sitting at my computer right now, I'm wasting time typing this out on my iPod touch. I love technology.

Reppin' and Preppin'

2008-03-09T21:42:00.003-07:00

I've decided that if I want to increase the amount of enjoyment I experience at work, I need to try and laugh more. This has proved to be very easy, because the people I work with do funny things. They don't walk around making faces or cracking jokes all day long, it's just the things that they say and do normally that make me laugh.

Examples:

One girl gave a manager a prolonged back rub while he was standing at a computer station. Funny because I thought about how awkward it would have been if I was in that situation, on either end.

Another coworker referred to Ellen DeGeneres as Ellen Degenerate after quoting her favorite lines from Finding Nemo. Funny because she thought it was funny.

So many people are sick at work on Saturdays and Sundays because of hangovers. Funny because I don't have to worry about it, and they bring it on themselves.

But I've found the best way to make myself laugh is to try and always say something positive when coworkers are being negative or trying to include me in gossip or degrading jokes. Even though I'm being positive and encouraging, it often leaves the other people confused. Most of the time they just don't expect that response. I don't want to make it seem as if I think I'm above them in anyway, and so I think I need to find a happy medium between encouragement and sympathy. The whole thing is just so funny to me. I love work experiments.

Also, I've been preparing for life after college. This should be the beginning of a running update. I'll keep you posted as everything starts to fall into place. Anyways, I sent an e-mail to an apartment complex nearby about their studios or one bedrooms. I'm still looking around for someone planning on staying in the area for the summer, and maybe I could bum around with them. Who knows. Also, I might get a TV. Nice.

Late Night Early Morning

2008-03-08T00:29:00.004-08:00

"It's 1:30 in the morning. I was going to work on my resume, but I think I'm just going to go to sleep."

Phil just said this, and I have never agreed with him more. I have homework due last week. I own books that haven't been read. I have "umpteen-million" things to do. And as much as I love Fridays, this one just needs to end.

Today: (slightly lame, but at least I'm honest)

Wake

Shower

Brush

Dress

NHL '07

Chapel

Lunch: Chicken Caesar Wrap, fermented ketchup

Watch Phil play Madden '07

Skip Class

NHL '07

Open all the windows and cool off

Clean Room

E-mail

Watch Viral Videos

Watch Reed play Madden

NHL '07

Red Robin: Mozzarella Sticks, Half Mac and Cheese with Chicken, Roy Rogers

Talk to Reed, Chris, Ryan

Lay Around

Blog

Observe Day

Brush

Undress

Sleep

Observations: More work, less hockey, more healthy food, less immobility.

Starting tomorrow.

How Do You Do The Right Thing?

2008-03-06T12:08:00.009-08:00

I recently started a netflix account, which I share with my roommate Reed. Not only is it fun to get movies in the mail, but it also puts movies I want to see at top priority in our apartment. We don't have to argue about which movie to watch because, hey, I just got RoboCop in the mail today, and we should watch it so I can send it back and get RoboCop2!

I actually haven't rented RoboCop, or its sequel. Yesterday, I sat down with Reed, Ryan, Nate, and Kylee to watch Do The Right Thing. I rented it because it was highly recommended to me on netflix, and I had wanted to see it for a long time. I'm glad I did. I t was a great movie, and I wish Kylee wouldn't have such a bad habit of falling asleep while watching movies, because she missed out.

Do The Right Thing is a film by Spike Lee about one hot day in urban New York. It follows the lives of the people living on one city block as they try to survive the ever increasing heat and the increasing tension between peace and violence among the many races represented on the street.

The title is hard to decipher, just like the difference between right and wrong in certain situations. This is pointed out at the end of the movie in the juxtaposition of quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X. One man claims that we must strive to achieve peace and brotherhood; that the old tradition of an eye for an eye will not stand if we are to become a community. The other man claims that passiveness is stupidity, and self-defense is intelligence. The movie leaves it up to the viewer to decide which side they should take if they want to "do the right thing".

Thankfully, I haven't come in contact with much racial tension where I have lived, but I did have an experience yesterday. I was at Panda Express when a customer in line began to scream at an employee about the origin of their name and whether or not she was "legal". It reminded me that whether or not I choose to ignore racism based on my situation and surroundings, it still exists. It's still a problem that needs to be overcome. I have to agree with MLK, Jr. on this one. Love will bring us together.

Do we mean that, or do we simply say it and act on the opposite? There's a lot of love in this world. There's a lot of hate in this world. Love. Hate. Do the right thing.

What Else Is There To Do?

2008-03-05T14:05:00.010-08:00

Life is coming around to slap me on the back of the head in two months, and I'm not ready for it. This is an obvious reaction to the end of college, I know, but who really is ready? I'm ready to be done with school, to end this section of my life, but I don't know how to start the next.

I imagine walking down the street next week and running into someone who will offer me the perfect job, but I'm sure that when next week rolls around, I'll be in the same situation right now.

By the way, the perfect job, in case you didn't already figure it out, would be to get paid to read books for a ridiculously rich person that doesn't have the time to read. You would read the classics, maybe some new novels, eventually make your way through all of Shakespeare. Obviously, rich people are extremely busy being rich, but they must stay on top of the intellectual circle. Therefore, I would be their surrogate eyes, and simply fill them in on all the important details at an established time once a week. Perfect. Conversations with friends would go something like this:

"Have you read any good books lately?" I ask, sincerely.

"No," he/she replies, "I haven't the time to read for pleasure/leisure anymore."

"Oh, how horrible," I say, truly sympathizing with them. And then I would add, for good measure, "Would you like me to read for you?"

Obviously, my perfect job scenario extends far into the fantastical depths of my mind. I've just always had a desire to continue learning even after I may become a "teacher"; I don't want to become stagnant or cynical as I grow older. It seems to me that reading books may be one of the few remaining remedies for this.

There's a First for Everything

2008-03-05T00:20:00.001-08:00

Hello. This is the beginning of the blog that I have finally decided to start, and hope to keep writing in for a while. I like to write, so a blog felt like a good thing to have. This way I can stay up on my writing, and maybe even improve.

But I've already gotten ahead of myself. I haven't explained what this blog is, or even who I am. I am Chris, I am nearly a college graduate, and I enjoy things in life which deserve to be enjoyed. These include, but are not limited to, ice cream, good books, matinees, dance parties, warm days in the spring, cool days in the summer, and coconut macaroons. I think these are the types of things blogs should be about, and these are exactly the types of things my blog will be about. I hope you like them as much as I do.

So stick around; I'll be talking about questions, speculations, and insights about life and the rest. Kind of like a family dinner. (I tried really hard to tie this into the picture above, which my good friend Reed took with his nice camera.)